I am realizing these days that I do a LOT of stuff because I’m supposed to. Mel calls this her “approval whore,” which is a hilariously apt description. I do a lot of things at church that I’m supposed to do. I do even more things at work that I’m supposed to do. And I do things at home that I’m supposed to do. And the Christmas season–fun as it may be–is full of supposed to’s. Where do these massive lists of things I’m supposed to do come from? They come from things I read, other people I know, movies I’ve seen, lessons I’ve listened to at church, and ideas in my head about what a person like me (a white, middle-aged Mormon professor/mom/wife?) does and doesn’t do.
I go to meetings at work, at church, and at the kids’ schools that I’m supposed to go to. And when I get there, I notice that other people who are similarly supposed to be there are conspicuously absent. Yet they continue to work there and their kids continue to thrive at school. In short, no one spontaneously combusts.
I, on the other hand, seem utterly incapable of letting go of all these supposed-to’s.
So I was completely flummoxed a couple weeks ago as I stumbled across a passage in a book called Conversations with God for Teens by Neale Donald Walsch. I’ve never read anything like this book before. I mean, really? The author takes questions supposedly submitted by teenagers (and there are many others of these books) and answers them from the perspective of . . . God. That takes some chutzpah, doesn’t it? Despite the clichés, however, much of the advice in the book is really good.
Aside from the (mostly) good advice, the other reason why the book interested me is because the advice given differs so drastically from everything I’ve been taught to think about God and about what we’re doing here on the planet.
For purposes of this post, the passage that had me stumped was an answer to this question:
“So is that what I’m supposed to do?” (after another question regarding how to deal with the death of a loved one)
In response, God says,
“There are no ‘supposed to’s in life. There is no blueprint that you must follow, no ‘mission’ upon which you must embark. There is only choice. Pure choice. All the time, every day.“
Stop the presses! This white, middle-aged Mormon professor/mom/wife can’t wrap her head around this answer. What does he mean, “There are no ‘supposed to’s’??” No blueprint? No mission? As Mormons, we learn from a very early age that there IS a blueprint. We’re not just here on the planet for kicks. We have a very specific purpose in life. We have a blueprint that we’re supposed to follow. That blueprint gets translated into a lot of supposed-to’s that I think have bled over into every area of my life. I can’t even keep track of all the supposed-to’s in my life. Sometimes the weight of all those supposed-to’s feels almost crushing.
But can there really be no “supposed to’s” in life? None? Not any? Surely they are some.
I’m wondering if I’m just neurotic (a distinct possibility) or if others have dealt with near-death-by-supposed-to’s. How do you say “no” to an obligation/expectation? What does the conversation sound like when you tell someone you’re not going to do whatever you’re supposed-to do? I need some talking points.
heather, did you ever read derrida or levinas for denise or any other professor? i ask because both of them describe ethics in such a way that there is never any blueprint or ethical rules or laws. in fact, derrida specifically says that to follow a rule is to not make an ethical choice. when you are following rules, you are…following rules and not engaging in ethics. ethics can only happen at the moment of making a decision. and that moment is different every single time; there is no repetition. in short, you always have to be making a decision to be ethical. both come from a jewish background, and levinas was an extraordinarily spiritual man. at any rate, i’m plagued by “supposed-to’s.” i try not to be; i try really hard, but i am.
A comment from Hillary! :)
No, I never did–I avoided Denise and Derrida/Levinas like the plague. I don’t love philosophy. Feels so inaccessible to me. But you’ve piqued my interest now, darnit. So is there a Derrida for Dummies??
Or for those who don’t have time for big books or looking up every other word in an academic journal or paper…Read “You Are Special” by Max Lucado. :)
I’ve found the more I cut back, things either take care of themselves or stop happening. If my extra human effort is what was keeping something going, and it doesn’t make sense for me to continue…perhaps it’s time for it to go.
For me, I’ve found it’s quite freeing to only do what is truly necessary and let the rest go. Saying no is an important part of this. I don’t feel guilty about taking care of myself and my family, at least I try not to.
I think there ARE “supposed to’s”. Without expectations on human behavior, there’s complete chaos. We’re supposed to treat others respectfully. We’re supposed to stay within the lines on the highway we’re driving on so we don’t crash into others. We’re supposed to eat every day. There are consequences to not following through on the “supposed to’s”. BUT that’s the catch. The consequence indicates CHOICE. There are only choices. We have the choice to do what we’re supposed to do and hope for a positive consequence or to neglect the “supposed to” and bear the negative consequence.
Now, one must choose which “supposed to’s” to allow into their life. Some supposed to’s we can do without. If I don’t…say wear a shirt with sleeves even though i’m “supposed to,” the consequence is something I can bear (or bare). Its not going to impact the endgame of life! I think “supposed to’s” should be weighed against the reality of “what is”. Maybe my husband is “supposed to” go do his home teaching, but I’m having not feeling so well because I ran a half marathon earlier that day and would value his time at home helping with the kids more than his time would be valued smiling, engaging in forced conversation, or playing a game with a family who’s doing perfectly fine (yes. this is a true story). The “supposed to”, when taking into consideration the “what is” changes. Shouldn’t he weigh the priority and make a choice that reflects that priority? He didn’t. But he was supposed to! HA! ;)
How do we decide which “supposed to’s” to listen to? Here’s that word “choice” again. “God” was right. There is only pure choice. Some people aren’t so good at this. They ignore the supposed to’s that are important. They’re supposed to provide love and nurturing for their children. They’re supposed to respect life and not kill. They’re supposed to refrain from abuse. Still, its their choice. And there are consequences to them not supposed to-ing. There are also consequences to following along with the “supposed to’s” that AREN’T important. Or listening to supposed to’s coming from voices that don’t resonate with what our beliefs. I’m was supposed to go to Enrichment last week, but by golly Enrichment sounded so insignificant compared to sitting at home, wrapped around my husband, delighting in the peace and quiet in our house. Seriously…that relationship needed some “sitting” time. I was “supposed to” get married in the Temple. To everyone around me this was a BIG “supposed to.” There was no other way! But there was. I let their “supposed to” for THEIR belief system dictate a major life decision. Choice of which supposed to’s to listen to is our agency in this life.
I think Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City said it best “when will we stop shoulding all over ourselves?” or something close to that. There are many “supposed to” things in life but it usually is only from our perspective and truly we are our toughest critic. So the next thing that is just a “supposed to” attend kind of thing, skip it and see if the world melts and don’t feel bad or guilty about it either. It is your 24 hours so spend it where you want. Maybe you love PTO meetings or after-hour brainstorm sessions at work, then go. But don’t work yourself up over it and don’t go simply because you think you must attend because at that point are you even really in it at all. And saying “no” feels really great rolling off the tongue sometimes.
Alina, so you actually do this??? You only do things you enjoy doing? I’m asking seriously. Especially with the kids, there are SO MANY things I’m supposed to do and do not enjoy. If I honestly cut my list down according to whether or not I would enjoy it, there wouldn’t be much there. I’d be missing a TON of stuff.
I LOVE this. It is exactly what I needed to hear. It is perfect.
OK, first of all Heather, did you just call yourself middle-aged? I had a hard time reading the rest of your post because I kept saying “middle-aged?” to myself over and over. But aside from that, I wanted to just say amen to your thoughts here. I think from a very young age, while we are trying to be good and grow up and be responsible and successful we add to our list of supposed-to’s in order to get to this place where we say, I did it, I’m an adult and I’m great! Then we get to the adult part and realize oh no, I didn’t do it, I don’t really feel like an adult and I’m not so great here….!!! I don’t know when I’ll ever look at myself without loads of judgement and heaps of expectations and cry over the supposed-to’s that I didn’t get to (because where I feel the pressure you do, I often drop the ball and instead of letting it go I just feel super guilty). I don’t have any words of wisdom, just adding a “me too.”
I’m all about the “me too’s.”
And yes, I did call myself “middle-aged.” Oddly, I do not have any angst/anxiety about that word or about being in the middle of my life. I know lots of people my (our :) ) age cringe at the word “middle-aged.” I just don’t–at least not yet! I feel good about where I am and pretty much never wish to go back.
??
This discussion is especially applicable this time of year. There are just way too many sopposed-tos connected with Christmas. I really like the idea of there always being a choice. About five years ago, I went through a year of very difficult health challenges. I had to say no to so many things because I wasn’t physcically capable of doing them. Everyone who knew me knew what was going on. Yet, every time I said no to someone, I felt like I needed to give a long, drawn-out excuse.
Now I am healthy again and able to do many more things. However, that experience taught me a couple of great lessons. First, there were a lot of things I was doing that I really didn’t want to do or need to do (the supposed-tos) and that I don’t want to do ever again. Second, it isn’t necessary to give a reason every time we say no. A simple “No, I’m not going to do that this time” is sufficient.
I should add that all this gets easier when you’re old, as I am. But I do wish I had figured it out when I was in the “middle age.”
CatherineWO, why do you think it gets easier when you get older?? More perspective?
I think it gets easier because people expect less of older people and because it’s more acceptable to be out of the norm when you are older. At least, that is my experience. There is a down side to all that, of course. I like to be busy and I am still a very capable person, so I still like to be asked to do things, but I think I can get away with saying no or “I really don’t want to do that” more easily at my age. It could be that I just have a reputation of being eccentric, but my other (older) friends (who are not what I would call eccentric) report similar reactions from people. Younger people seem to be more tolerant of quirkiness in older people. Also, as I’ve aged, I’ve quit caring so much about appearances and what is “appropriate.” I think doing all the supposed-tos has a lot to do with keeping up appearances.
Have you read the original Conversations with God? I haven’t, but I watched the movie and it made me want to read it. (Although that was at least two years ago and I still haven’t… but I would like to eventually.)
Courtney, I agree with you that there are some “supposed-tos,” like the ones you mentioned. And I think the principle’s still the same–we shouldn’t do those things just because someone tells us we’re supposed to, but because they feel right to us, because we’ve chosen to do them for our own reasons. We do still make the choice ourselves.
One of the favorite phrases taught to me by an older sister 20 years ago… I Shall Not Should On Myself Today. I used to always be saying ” i should do this” or I should have done that. She taught me a great lesson when she taught me this and I try to teach it to my daughters.
Somethings, yes. I learned to say “no” and it is awesome. It isn’t because I simply blow things off but the reality is: I am single parent, I work for two locations and am self-employed, and I do private coaching and yoga lessons, thus I never stop working, my kids are different ages and involved in different activities on varying nights, and so, the time that I have available I now use for things that benefit my life. I went to a school performance this morning at a school neither of my kids attend because I love hearing young musicians instead of going to a meeting that had the possibility of bringing in business but was also not going to be enjoyable at all. It gets easier as you get accustom to the word rolling off your tongue. I rarely attend PTO meetings anymore because I felt it became pointless. I rushed over to catch the meeting in time only for any suggestion or idea to be thwarted by “the few” as I like to call them. I also only attend organization meetings when I think there will be a benefit to me. This is just what works for me. I value my time and I spend it where I want. Do I end up doing things I don’t want to? Sure, sometimes. It’s all about trying to find a balance. And I am still looking for the balance, skipping some meetings is good for my balance. If it is important you will find out and know about it.