In August, I underwent a 40-hour training to become a CASA and wrote about it here. There were about eight of us in the training from a wide range of backgrounds-younger, older, retired, recently graduated, middle-aged (me!), young professionals, etc. It was a great group of people. The training covered all sorts of things, from court-related paperwork to what to do on a home visit to being culturally sensitive to being aware of signs of abuse, etc.
The objective one night was to try to understand what it’s like for kids when they get removed from their homes and placed in a foster home. We learned that every time children get moved to a new home, it sets them back developmentally by approximately six months. I swallowed hard when I heard that-imagining that there are children who get moved and moved and moved again-and they might be sitting next to my living-a-charmed-life-kids in school.
The teacher (one of my former students, so cool!) asked us to take out a sheet of paper and draw a big circle on it. Inside the circle, we were supposed to free write-anything that described our families and homes: traditions, meal times, hobbies, décor, favorite activities, family rules, etc. So I started filling mine up with random tidbits about our family/house:
Stacks of books and papers everywhere; Markers, pens, colored pencils; Evidence of many ongoing projects; Board games; Puzzles; Book shelves; No TV watching during meals; Reading books at night before bed; No pets!; Piles of laundry in various stages of folding; All the dishes must be completely done immediately after dinner; Etc.
After we finished, she asked us to leave our papers in our spots, but to get up and move 3 seats down. After we sat down, she said, “Okay. This is your family now. You have one minute to read over it.” Then she asked us to introduce the group to our “new families.” So we each took turns describing the family on the circle we were now holding. When my classmate got to my circle, she started reading down the list. When she got to “No pets,” she read it aloud, but then stopped and said, “Wait, what? No pets? What do you mean, ‘no pets’?” I laughed and said, “I mean, ‘no pets.’ I don’t like pets. We don’t have pets.”
And then it got really quiet. All eyes were on me. I could feel myself losing points with my fellow trainees as they took in this new piece of information about me.
And then someone said, “Okay, but if you go over to someone’s house and their dog comes over and jumps on you or licks you, you’re okay with that, right?” And I said, “It’s actually really not my favorite if I go over to someone’s house and their dog licks me or jumps on me or sniffs my butt. No, I don’t love that at all.”
Crickets.
Thinking I could fix it by talking more (a nervous habit?), I added, “My life is so very very full with my job and my kids and my husband who works an hour and a half away, I just can’t even contemplate adding an animal to the mix. I can’t have one more person or thing that needs me to clean it, clean up after it, feed it, bathe it, pay attention to it, nothing. If it doesn’t have human DNA, it can’t come into my house.”
That didn’t help me gain back any of my lost points. So then I joked, “But it’s really okay. I’m still a nice person. I can still be a good CASA.” Everyone (sort of) laughed uncomfortably and then, after another awkward pause or two, we moved on to the next person.
I showed up the next night for training with a feeling of trepidation. As everyone gathered and made small talk and got cups of coffee, one of the trainees said, “Heather, I just wanted to tell you how brave I thought you were last night.” I was totally confused, so I said, “Me, brave? What do you mean?” And he said, “Oh, I thought it was really brave of you to admit that you don’t like animals.”
Sheesh. I couldn’t believe we were back to that again. So then someone laughed (sort of) and said, “Oh, no! We’re talking about how Heather doesn’t like animals again?” Yes, we were talking about how Heather doesn’t like animals again.
So there you have it, folks. I don’t love animals. I’ll go to the zoo once every couple years and the aquarium once (maybe twice) per decade, but I don’t want them in my house. Luckily, liking pets was not a prerequisite to become a CASA, so I was able to complete the training despite that obvious character flaw.
So, are you an animal lover? Do you look askance at people like me who freely admit that we don’t like animals? Would you still trust me with your children? ;)
I love Chihuahuas. :) My mom was just like you Heather. We had only ONE dog in my later teenage years–a stray dilapidated male Chihuahua that my dad brought home and named “Mert”. Mert had two teeth that hung out on each side of his head, and he looked sexually excited all the time which was quite embarrassing to me. But I learned to “love” this tiny toy Chihuahua. When I graduated from college and was leaving to teach school in a local town–Mom said that I HAD to take Mert with me. Mert and I moved to an apartment and did well until he had to be put down which was very traumatic for me.
I respect you for being honest especially with your hectic schedule. I am a “clean freak”, so my long-hair Chihuahua, Josie, adds more to my house cleaning, but she is worth it to me. We all make choices in our lives and should NOT put down someone for what works in their lives or their family.
Ha ha! I’m laughing about your sexually excited dog, Marsha.
My kids love your chihuahua. I’m happy for them to love her . . . at your house. ;)
Whatever you choose for you and your family is your own choice. It does not affect whether or not I will talk to you, like you, or trust you with my children. Your choice of not having/liking pets is not hurting anyone! I am sorry for the people who made you feel less accepted because of your opinion. And now that I know this about you I will be glad to put our dog up any time you pop over…no problem. Congrats on becoming a CASA! It is something that I will do one day once the children all get in school and my days are a little freer.
Oh, Sarah, no need to apologize! The other CASA trainees were just surprised, I think. And we were laughing about it that day and since.
But really–if you think about it–imagine if you were a kid and you had a family pet that you loved. And then you were removed from your home and placed in a pet-less foster home like mine. That would probably feel like a lonely home.
Or, what if you were like me and WENT to a home where the people had cats and dogs and gerbils, whatever? That would be so hard for me. :(
Heather, I’m with you, although it is shocking how far my nut fell from the oak tree. Both my parents have degrees in Animal Husbandry (which was hard to explain to my fellow students when my mom was teaching English and Reading, but she was actually the first woman to graduate in Animal Husbandry from Oregon State University back in the days when “land grant university” meant something) but I’d rather not have animals in the house.
My kids talked me into a dog once. I was completely buried in work at the time and told them that I didn’t have time to take care of a dog. I said, “If we take this dog home, you guys (6, 12, 14) are completely in charge. You feed it, clean up after it, the whole thing.” That lasted maybe 4 months tops. The dog, which was the only dog at the pound not barking its head off at every person who walked by, barked at every squirrel in our yard and at all hours of day and night. If I asked the kids to take care of the dog they resented it and eventually just quit doing it.
So, the dog went back to the pound. No one would talk to me for a few days and my youngest still brings it up from time to time. Maybe I suck at parenting because I couldn’t teach my kids the responsibility for taking care of a pet, but I didn’t want to teach them that I would take care of it for them.
Heather, I am not an animal lover either. I think baby animals are cute but I don’t want one. I don’t want animals abused but I am not the personality type to take care of animals. I have let me kids have smaller caged animals like a bunny and now we have a guinea pig. But I can’t handle the mess and smell of animals and don’t like them all over me. We have tried to have a dog twice but it really just confirmed to me I am not an animal person. I know where you are coming from about animals. No I don’t think you are evil for not being an animal lover.
LOL! Yes, we can still be friends, but it was a very close call. :-) I have to say, one of the secret pleasures of having a super-friendly dog is seeing how various hometeachers react when he greets them by enthusiastically wagging his tail and thrusting his muzzle into their crotches. Heather, have you ever heard that C&W song called _She Never Cried When Old Yeller Died_? It’s about a guy who is starting to get serious about a woman he is dating. One night they are watching Old Yeller and he realizes that she has only a cold, gaping black hole where her heart should be. He dumps her immediately and is thankful to have dodged a bullet.
So yeah, not having pets is a sin, but it’s not an unforgivable sin. For penance, read this story aloud for FHE: http://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/4367. Be sure to have a full box of Kleenex handy.
Good for you, Heather! There are plenty of people who do love animals in their home, so the world rotates on its axis just fine without you and I in the mix! Karen and I decided long ago, after taking in a stray dog we couldn’t ignore (long story for another time), that we would not have pets in our home. Our life style is just too busy, hectic, and unstructured to have an animal that needs all those things you listed. I’m perfectly fine with other people’s pets and actually enjoy moments of petting and caressing furry creatures, but it’s also very nice to not take them home with me. You are not alone…and I still like you.o)
I am with you Heather. I love animals, even if I am not a huge animal lover. I am not one of those people who finds indoor pets so charming. I have met a few snotty cats that have won my respect, but otherwise, not so much.
We have pets, don’t get me wrong. I am sitting here typing right after feeding a white horse a flake of hay and a rowdy beagle with ADHD his kibble. I took a stand and refused to allow any more indoor cats. My daughter wants a kitten. My daughter begs for a kitten.
A kitten is not happening. I do not want another warm body for which I am required to care. Despite her promises that I won’t have to do anything; I know better.
That story has been told before.
So here is a high-five, Heather. I so get this.
Steph.
Oh, Heather–thank you for this post! We are a petless home as well and I too cringe when I have to go to homes where there are pets; especially dogs. After taking care of my parent’s dogs while growing up because they left early in the morning and got back at 7:30 at night, I decided I never wanted a dog (or really any pets in general) of my own. One of my parent’s dogs developed kidney failure and began vomiting and having diarrhea all over the house which became my responsibility to clean since I was home to catch it. I didn’t like the way they jumped on me, licked me, shed all over my things, chewed on my belongings, scratched me, barked, slobbered, stank, had accidents in the house or (and this is my own dysfunctional family irritation coming out) were treated better because they loved ‘unconditionally’ and didn’t have opinions or thought patterns to argue back with, haha! I really don’t like being accosted at homes where there are dogs, and I know I’m going to upset some animal lovers, but I personally find it rude when pet owners allow their dogs to jump on, lick and rub up against people who are visiting their home. I realize some people consider their pets to be members of a family, but insisting that someone tolerate and wait out the inevitable doggy behavior because ‘he/she will settle down soon, he/she is just SO excited to see you’ doesn’t work for me. I’m with you, Heather!
Lexi, I laughed out loud when I read this. And cringed!
And while I’m ranting . . . I also hate it when I’m outside running and people’s dogs come charging out of their yards, barking like crazy and nipping at my heels. I’ve almost fallen numerous times while running in front of a particular house in my neighborhood. If your dog does that, it seems that you should either be outside with him/her OR keep the dog in a fenced enclosure.
I agree with Lexi completely. I have never liked pets. But why, Heather, do we then feel like others will think less of us? I have that sense occasionally. I think it’s crazy the amount of money that is spent buying and caring for pets, especially keeping them alive when they develop problems (I try to keep my mouth shut with friends who do this, then talk about their limited budget, wishing they could go on more travels, etc.)
Perhaps because (some) others DO think less of us . . . so we’re simply becoming aware of the judgment from others.
Heather,
I grew up in a house with one dog & two cats most of my childhood. I loved them all – one cat was specifically “mine”. The dog ended up getting old and sick and had tumors and was snotty and it was really disgusting. I suppose in a sense, it should have been a life lesson for me about how it will be taking care of old humans as well, but it ended up just turning me off to having pets. After that dog, my sister got a little yippy beagle that I hated and it hated me as well. It would specifically seek out MY belongings (or those of MY friends) to chew up. When I was in college, my cat (which had remained back at home) ended up getting attacked by dogs. Lots of money was spent on surgeries but it still died. I have seen friends spend lots of money on surgeries and needed medical expenses for pets and it has seemed strange to me to spend it on pets rather than saving it for human members of the family, although I know that different people see it differently, so I try to be open to that. I was firmly against having pets in our household now. My husband had kind of been leaning towards wanting a dog sometime, but we dog-sat for a friend one weekend and he decided that it was more hassle than it was worth. However, the kids have been bugging & bugging us for a pet (or a baby! HA!) and Nathan & I knew they wouldn’t take care of it as their own. So we waited until we finally accepted that WE would be the ones taking care of it, and ended up buying a hamster this past Sunday. She is named Cutie and I think she’s pretty darn awesome. I just hope my 5-yr-old doesn’t kill her before her time. She loves her and wants to carry her around with her everywhere. So far, I’m glad we caved. But I’m also glad she’s SMALL and is not a dog.
Nikki, but who’s cleaning the guinea pig cage?? Ugh–I would not want that to be me. I’m so glad to be done with cleaning my kids now that they’re old enough to clean themselves. No more bathing, bum wiping, etc. Thank God almighty I’m free at last!
Solidarity! (I too am no fan of pets.)
Ha– as soon as I saw the “No pets” item on your list, I was ready to set you straight. :) We’ve had snakes, lizards, toads, fish, cats, a dog. And right now, I’m keeping a close eye on 5 Monarch caterpillars in the back yard, as well as two chrysalises. I think that kids miss out a lot by not having pets–basically most kids don’t have much experience with nature nowadays. Having a pet at least lets kids become familiar with what an animal is like, if there needs to be a practical aspect to it. But our pets are also pretty important to our family as companions. When the boys had a bad day at school, they always had a cat or a dog, or maybe a gecko, to cheer them up, or to play with. Want me to help your kids talk you into a kitten?
And, really most of the pet problems you describe, or other describe, in the comments are owner problems. Dogs need to be taught manners, just as people do. MY dog knew that she had to sit quietly when visitors came, until they offered to pet her. :)
This is awesome. I have to admit that I would be one of those people casting aspersions on your character for not liking pets. I used to get annoyed when people would come to our house and then fuss about finding a bit of cat hair on the couch. If you can’t tolerate a little cat hair, well, then you’re just not a nice person. (kidding!)
We don’t have any pets now, however, and I’m enjoying not having the responsibility to pick up after them and arrange for their care when we’re vacationing, so I don’t want to get any more pets for the reasons you say. That said, I love animals and wish I could make friends with a neighbor’s dog or something. Our neighbors have a pet rat and brought it out for Halloween. My son loved it, but there’s no way I’d want it running around my house. I also don’t get why people like to have rabbits as pets. They are cute, but they aren’t really very cuddly at all. And they smell bad.
Aha–casting aspersions on my character. Love it!
We went to the animal shelter and said we’d foster a dog/cat. But they were so dang picky about which animals we could foster. They actually wouldn’t let us take a cat because we said we’d have it outside. This seems lame to me because I think a cat could have a nicer life with us feeding him/her and the kids interacting with him/her, etc. than if the cat had to be euthanized.
And they said the only dogs they’d let us foster were ones who had “real bad problems” or who had been there for a really long time.
So we kinda left it at that.
Heather, I’ve had a similar experience and I hated myself for hating it.
Heather – why were you going to foster a pet when you don’t want one and don’t have the time for one? I’ve worked at the shelter – when people take home pets that that they aren’t committed to, the pets end up back at the shelter with a ping on their record, making them really hard to place. Dogs usually get a quick turn around in the shelter and if not, they get fostered out. Dogs in a shelter get more views and quicker placement – it makes sense to keep them there unless they need a reprieve from the environment. Most rescue organizations only place cats as indoors. Having an outdoor cat myself – I know that when they come to a new home, they need to be kept indoors for a while – quite a while. They get their bearings, learn where home is and who loves them and feeds them so they will come back. Then, they get let out little bits at a time. If you take home a rescue cat – one who may have been out on his own for quite a while – and turn it loose, it won’t necessarily come back and stay safe.
Animal rescue type people can be oddly over-protective and strange – it’s true. (And, I don’t always agree with their methods) Usually though, that comes from a place of seeing horrific animal abuse and wanting to stop it. I can’t even describe the inhumane treatment some of these “pets” get. Actually, I might try to do that in my upcoming post. I’m not sure that words can describe the experience of witnessing and trying to deal with what some of these animals have gone through because of people who are annoyed by them.
I don’t want a pet, but I’m not the only person in this family, so it seemed like a way for us to give it a try.
My advice to prospective pet owners – having been both a child in a home with pets, a parent with many pets in the home, and a volunteer at the animal shelter – is that pet ownership doesn’t work unless the primary parent (the one who is home most, especially around feedings, etc) wants the pet. Shelter pets actually take the most time investment, and make no mistake about it – the adult is the pet owner or fosterer, and needs to take that responsibility on themselves. I’ve never seen it really work otherwise. I do think it’s wise judgment for you to not have a pet if you don’t want one or like them.
This statement that you made, “My life is so very very full with my job and my kids and my husband who works an hour and a half away, I just can’t even contemplate adding an animal to the mix. I can’t have one more person or thing that needs me to clean it, clean up after it, feed it, bathe it, pay attention to it, nothing.” is a really valid one. I wish more people would come to this conclusion.
I sort of think they are not “a nice person” if they keep a cat, knowing that it will mean that a nephew or cousin can never visit them because of cat allergies…..
I understand people who do not want the responsibility of a pet, and respect those who refuse to get one just to appease their children’s begging. I think if more people took personal responsibility, then we wouldn’t have the huge problems and immense suffering that exist with pets in this country.
That said, I am highly – HIGHLY – suspicious of people who don’t like animals. (And babies, I mean, C’mon!) I’m even more suspicious of the humans my animals don’t like. : – )
When I was little, my dad always said we could get a dog when we got a fence. One day, he went to build a fence, and I believed it was so we could get a dog. Then he said I could get a dog when I got married (Mormon lingo for having your own house). Sadly, my husband (Randy B) is not a fan of pets either. He had a weak moment in law school where he conceded to buying a dog, and thankfully for me she lived 16 years. I want another one, but pets seem to be in the category of kids, the no wins.
Good stuff. I’m just making a mental note of who, on D&S, I need to keep one eye on….
Can’t stand pets of really any kind, and I am a very nice person. Truly.
But, my parents went on a mission so we have their little half Maltese, half Pekinese. I am earning alllll kinds of blessing for doing this service :)
I am not an animal lover. I appreciate them more when they’re not close to me. I like zoos and aquariums, and I’ll scratch a dog behind his or her ears if it looks at me like it needs some attention, but I don’t want one (any animal, not just a dog) of my own and would prefer not to actually interact with them. Probably has something to do with being allergic to most pets, so I never really developed an ability to interact with them.
I’m generally pretty cool with cats because we mostly leave each other alone. I’ve met some dogs I like, but it really depends. For the last nine years of caring for needy, messy little humans I couldn’t even wrap my head around owning an animal (not another thing that has accidents!). But now that the children are older, I’m more open to the idea.
I love love love love love cats. Most dogs scare me. That said, no one should own a pet that doesn’t want one, or doesn’t have the time or means to care for one.
Heather, don’t be mistaken, if your family gets a pet, YOU will be the one taking care of it. Just the way it happens. Dogs poop all over the yard and need lots of attention and exercise. Cats are more independent, but still need care. Veterinarians are expensive.
Find out about allowing your kids to volunteer at the animal shelter. They can clean kennels, hold kittens, walk dogs, etc. If, after doing this for a year, they still insist on having a pet….well you could revisit the issue. But, until they’ve changed litter pans, washed a dog that has crapped all over himself, been scratched and/or bitten by a frightened animal, been licked on the face by a dog that just ate its own poop, and had a cat pee on at least one personal item…they really have no idea of “both sides” of pet ownership.
I dig all animals, save for the slithering variety. My main squeeze – whom some of you may know – has turned into a real bleeding heart for all things fury, which has led to a certain karmic energy that draws a variety of strays our way. As houseguests go, they are not the best conversationalists, but do serve as a nice reminder that control is always an illusion.
That said, I don’t judge anyone who cops to not being “a pet person.” But there is a big difference – energetically speaking – between understanding one’s preferences and limitations, and the more militant “hate” verb. I guess I see animals as lacking in the capacity to be “hated,” given that their actions are largely governed by the deep threads of evolution rather than conscience choices to find favor with humans. At risk of going all hippy, there’s something about casting more negative energy into the universe that I prefer to avoid. For the same reason, I don’t hate politicians like Sarah Palin or Rick Perry (I can’t hate people I’ve never even met), but would rather say I have an extreme aversion to their ever representing me in elected office.
One thing interesting I’ve only noticed recently is how many Mormons are not “pet people.” At least in the last decade, I’d count the number of members I know with pets to be a distinct minority. No idea why this is, or if just a California thing. Perhaps time for a “Dog Lovers Who Know” address….[wink]
Dan, where did the “hate” thing come from? I didn’t say “hate” in my post, did I? I didn’t mean to. ??
No, you didn’t, and I didn’t mean to imply you did. It tends to be a vibe I pick up in debates about pets/no pets, so was just riffing. I’ll be Fed-Exing that little lab puppy your way shortly….)
Of course, Heather, it might be fun for you to see the horror on your teenager’s face when the she discovers the dog running around the neighborhood with a pair of her underpants in it’s mouth…..
Hahahaha, so funny. I do love animals (though I’m currently just waiting for our bunny to die because I’m tired taking care of it). However, despite my own appreciation for animals, I think it’s weird others would find it weird for someone to not like animals.
I can see how one wouldn’t like them. And in particular those animals that just jump on you, lick you, sniff you or bark at you or whatever…So, I’m surprised by those reactions.
And as it goes, I really hate cats. I just don’t appreciate the whole “sticking bum in someone’s face” stuff that cats frequently display.