It’s been said that the most important service we can offer is in our own homes. No success can compensate, and all that. But I sometimes struggle with keeping a balance. I know a lot of people who feel literally consumed by their families, especially if they have young children or elderly parents (or both). I have three kids and own a business. It’s hard to find room for personal development when so much of me is needed ‘at home’ (or rather, driving all over town attending to people’s needs- be it the need to be picked up or the need for pink leg warmers to complete a Halloween Costume). Truth be told, I have hours a day I could devote to personal development, but I almost always spend them sleeping.
I had friends in high school that had what are now referred to as “helicopter parents.” I vowed never to become one. I reveled in the independence my parents gave me. But I struggle to maintain that commitment now that two of my children are on what I call The Flip Side- we’ve passed the halfway point to adulthood. They will be gone in less time than they have spent at home (at least I can hope they’ll be gone… the trend of adult children coming back to live at home is one I find somewhat disturbing).
On the Flip Side, I find myself simultaneously micromanaging their homework and wishing they took more responsibility for it. I want them to make their own mistakes and learn from them, but I REALLY want them to make it to All-State, damn it, so they better go practice. I want them to be popular, but not have a cell phone permanently attached to their hands. I want for them to enjoy the self-esteem boost that comes from cute boys paying attention to them, but I don’t want any good-for-nothings hanging around the house or hogging family time on weekends. I want to be supportive of their choices in colleges and majors, but I also want them to have good grades so they HAVE choices to make. Then I feel like I’m a Smother Mother for caring so much.
There are times I want to throw up my hands and stop doing anything that could be perceived as living vicariously through my children. How have you found a balance as a parent? Where is the line between serving your family and losing yourself in it? I’d love your feedback. And maybe some week I’ll ask Jack.
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Very interesting post to read today, Claire–after Stuart forgot his “Tuesday folder” for the third or fourth time. The Tuesday folder has ALL his papers in it. We are supposed to look at each one and sign each paper and then sign the paper inSIDE the Tuesday folder that says that we did, in fact, sign them all.
When he forgets to bring it home, he loses recess on Wednesday, which I hate.
So Brent ran up to the school this morning and signed all the papers. Are we teaching him responsibility? I guess not. But he’s 8. And I want him to have his recess, darnit.
It’s a tough balance. I’ve been on radio, TV and newspaper promoting “free-range parenting” as opposed to helicopter parenting, but I still struggle with the same decisions. I’m not sure I have any good answers. I try to let me children suffer the natural consequences of their actions (or non-actions, as the case may be), but I also remember that even I have to be rescued from time to time because I forgot something or let something slide. It’s actually a little bit easier since I went to work because now I have legitimate reasons to not bail them out – I simply cannot. When I was home full-time it was more of a conscience decision process.
I’d like to think that I’m firm on a few absolutes – grades the best they can do, no zeros for missing school assignments, choosing activities other than school and watching TV and a few church standards. Other than that, I try to let them make their own choices.
One thing that I actually think make it easier for us all is to involve my children in planning our time. in the family I grew up in we held a family council every week to go over scheduling and resources. I don’t necessarily have a formal family meeting, but we do go over schedules and upcoming plans. If they know the big picture, it helps them to be more responsible for their part of it.
This is my life. Some days it feels WAY out of balance, especially when I have worked all day and started the busy afternoon running around you referred to for my 5 busy kids (ages 7-16). One asks, “What’s for dinner?”, followed right away by, “Did you go to the store to get the diapers for my science project?” Then at the next school kid #3 hops in the car and says, “What’s for dinner?” Two minutes later the 7-year old asks, “What can I have for a snack [when we get home]?” Then we pick up the 2 oldest and one asks what’s for dinner and/or if I remembered something else that I can’t remember now. I feel myself slipping away in the tidal wave of their many needs. I get home and realize I did not prepare ahead of time for dinner and cannot assemble enough ingredients for a dinner for the 7 of us. I send a text to my husband that we will need to go out to eat which nobody minds, of course, but me because I feel disorganized–and going out takes time the kids don’t always have when they have practicing and homework and projects to complete. Then I realize that I last ran for exercise 3 days ago and better go TODAY or else. I leave the kids and tell them when Dad comes home to tell him I have gone running and will return when I am sane again and join them for dinner wherever they go. After my run and meeting them for our dinner out, my balance returned, but I realize that I had to stop everything and claim it. Thank goodness for all of us that I did.
Karin, glad you got your run in. I never thought I’d say this, but I have reached the point where I am actually WANTING to do that to wind down. Tonight, I fed the kids (a little bit of this, a little bit of that) and left them here and went running. Brent handled getting one to a lesson and then got them ready for bed. I felt much better when I got back.
But man, they have so many things to remember and forget and lose. And I only have three!
Today, my 10-year-old is missing his class halloween party because he has missing assignments. Part of me wants to fix it for him, but even if I could, I know I shouldn’t. He has to learn the importance of turning his work in on time, and now is a better time to learn it than 15 years from now when he’s trying to earn a living. It’s a tricky thing to balance for sure.
As for adult children moving home, as long as they’re not expecting mom and dad to support them when they do nothing, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. It can be a good way to cut expenses to save up for a house. Other cultures live in multi-generational households.