When my kids were younger, I naively fantasized about how great it would be once they got out of daycare and into school. We’d suddenly have so much more disposable income because of reduced child care costs!
Well, all three of our kids are well into school (about to start 3rd, 6th, and 9th grades) and we still have child care expenses-less than they used to be, but not insignificant.
But that’s not what this post is about. This post is about all the OTHER expenses associated with teenagers. I’m learning that the older they get, the more expensive they get. We pay for pretty much everything (food, clothing, dance lessons, music lessons, choir, basketball, I could go on . . .), but have decided that they’re going to have to contribute to the total cost of big ticket items and school trips.
Last year, our oldest (then 13) asked whether she could go on a spring break trip to Washington, D.C. and New York City. I said we’d look into it. And look into I did, after which I nearly choked to see that the trip cost $1900 (not including spending money). So we told her that she could go if she earned $750 of the $1900 total-a hefty sum for a 13 year old girl. She swallowed hard and then made a chart on the computer of a pyramid made up of $20 blocks, all the way up to $760. And she started earning. She made magnetic babysitting business cards and gave them to families. We paid her for mowing our HUGE lawn (rather than paying a lawn company) and for doing some babysitting for us (although she mostly does that as unpaid “labor”). She crocheted some cute scarves and little glasses cases and sold them to friends/family. Grandma, a great aunt, and a former teacher generously donated to the cause. And she earned about $850. I was so proud of her stick-with-it-ness. She cleaned out her bank account, we paid the rest, and off she went. She had a grand time.
That was in March. In May, the high school band director announced that the band would be going to Hawaii in March 2012. We soon found out that the cost of this trip would be “only” $1600. We talked it over and told her she could go, provided she make the second $600 payment-due in October. We’re providing her with similar money-making opportunities. Given that it’s Africa hot down here, she hasn’t tried the lawn-mowing yet. She’s done some babysitting, a band boosters bake sale, some odd jobs around the house (i.e. cleaning the refrigerator), and has cooked up a storm. I promised her $5/frozen dinner for us to use once school started and our deep freezer is full! She’s close to her $600 goal and it’s just mid-August, so I’m confident she’ll make it.
Again, I’m proud of her. I feel like it’s a valuable life lesson to have to plan for something like that. She’s had to brainstorm ideas for how to earn money, which is no small task if you’re 14 and can’t drive or legally get a job. She’s had to sacrifice other things she might have wanted to buy and save her money instead. But I think she’ll appreciate these experiences more knowing that she’s worked hard to earn some of the money. To me, that’s a no-brainer.
I was surprised, then, when a friend pretty much said that it was mean of me to require her to do that. He suggested that since Brent and I could pay the whole $1600 (and we could), we should. I think his argument was that they’re just kids-before they know it, they’ll be thrust into the adult world of responsibilities and commitments, and we shouldn’t hasten the arrival of that reality.
So, Doves and Serpents readers, what do you think? Did you have to earn money for things like this (or other things) when you were a teenager? Do you expect your kids to do what our daughter is doing? Is my “no-brainer” idea that we appreciate things more when we work for them really a no-brainer? Am I being mean or stingy? I’d love to hear how others are handling this issue with their teenagers. We’re experimenting on our oldest! I’m sure many more similar conundrums await us.
I think your friend who suggested you were wrong is wrong. Actually, I think he’s kind of nuts, but since he’s a friend I probably shouldn’t insult your friends.
Now, if you asked your 5-year old (that you don’t have) to make such contributions, I may consider that a bit harsh. But I think it’s totally appropriate for a teenager. It’s precisely because they’ll soon be out in the real world that they should start learning now to prepare a bit for that real world, ideally in the safe, supportive environment of home, and not some actual real-life job where you could get fired. I think it’s also a good measure to see how much your child cares about the activities, and a lesson that money doesn’t grow on trees, and that mom and dad have to earn it as well.
I think you’re totally doing the right thing, and your friend is doing his kids a disservice if that’s how he’s handling things.
The only thing I think could be mean was if your child tried all they could to raise their side of the funds, fells a few dollars short, and you’d still not let them go, even though you totally have the money. But I guess then the question could be at what “short-fall” level should you say “too bad you can’t go” and at which point do you still make up the difference…
I’m not a parent yet, but my parents made me pay for things — from when I wanted an American Girl doll at 11 to when I drove my car into the garage at 16, etc. I had a budget for things I didn’t have to pay for, i.e. they gave me an amount they would pay for toward school dances (formals, corsages, etc.) and the rest I had to pay for myself.
It taught me that there is a value of money and I feel like I was much better prepped to handle real life. I worked in high school and college too. When I got divorced at 20, I understood how to take care of myself and I had a college degree. I totally attribute it to my parents forcing me to be responsible when they could still bail me out.
I love that you’re having your older daughter pay for part of the trip. It means that she’ll enjoy it that much the more, because of how much blood, toil, tears & sweat she put into it. It’s also teaching her valuable life lessons–when she grows up, she’s not going to be one of those people who mope around thinking they’re entitled because of the fact that they exist. Go you!
I think there is no more valuable gift you can give your children than confidence in their own skills. My parents didn’t have money, so they gave me the most precious and painful lesson that if I wanted something, I had to go get it myself. If I died tomorrow and there was only one thing my daughters remembered, I want them to remember that I know they can do “it”, no matter what “it” is.
Just came over from ExII. I think it’s great you’re having your daughter earn part of the cost of these trips.
But I am sorry to hear having your kids out of daycare isn’t as big a financial boon as you’d hoped! My 2 kids are in daycare and I’m counting the days until that stops costing me $550/week!
Ha ha. Well, Emily–the stuff they do starts costing more. $1600-$2000 trips. Piano lessons, french horn lessons, dance lessons, choir, orchestra, volleyball . . . and once they start doing stuff where they go out of town for competitions/games/tournaments, that adds to the whole family’s costs (gas, mileage, hotels), etc.
Of course, those things aren’t NECESSARY. We could live without them, so that makes them different than daycare expenses.
And I still pay someone to pick them up from school and spend a couple hours with them every day after school.
I think it’s so kind of you to have her earn (part of) her own way. A friend of mine who does quite well financially asked me once, “What do I do? We can afford to buy the kids whatever they want, how do I not spoil them?” My response was simply, “Teach them to work and how to manage what they have. If they know how to work, they have the skills to most likely set themselves up for success financially. If not, you will have failed them in that way, regardless of what else you’ve given them.”
My daughter, BEGGED me for a new backpack last year, but her backpack was perfectly good. I said no, and that we would buy another one next year if hers was worn out. Much to her delight this year, her backpack was quite roughed up and she got to pick a new backpack. She again BEGGED for a wheeled backpack as if she’d die without it. I told her that a decent backpack costs about $18 on sale, and that was what I was willing to spend. I told her I was more than happy to give her jobs so she could earn the difference, about $32. She instantly picked the cheaper one and let go of the idea of wheels, realizing the cost in terms of work. Smart girl. I want my kids to know they can most likely buy whatever they really want if it’s really worth it to them.
We need to teach our kids the difference between being entitled and being privileged. There’s no sin in privilege as long as it is recognized as appreciated. They need to learn the life-energy connection to money and how to make spending choices accordingly.
Yes–part of my original motivation with the DC/NYC trip was to find out how badly she wanted to go. I figured if I told her she’d have to spend 6 months working and earning $750, she might just say, “Forget it.” But she didn’t.
Often, my kids DO do that. We’ll be at the mall or at a store and they’ll ask for some junky toy, a $5 container of gum, or some Pokemon cards (you get the picture). As soon as I say, “I’m not going to buy that, but you can buy it with your own money,” OFTEN they decide they don’t want it.
And when they DO want it and they DO spend their own money on it, they love it all the more.
I think this is really important and something we are just trying to do in a more conscious manner with our children (other than telling them no and making them save and wait for things). A friend of mine gives her children pocket money each week, but requires them to put 5% in short-term savings and 5% in long-term savings. I like the idea of doing something like that, getting them used to saving before they are old enough to really work. It is something I wish I was better at.
I am reminded of how my parents helped me with college. They definitely made sure I could go and paid for tuition, books, living expenses, and so forth, yet I was expected to contribute X amount every year. If I could do that through scholarships, great, but I had my fair share. I didn’t have to work during the school semesters, but as soon as school as out, I put in 40 hour weeks every May – August to bring in the cash. I did fast food, temp agencies, cleaning, anything. And as soon as I graduated, I got a job. I am still deeply grateful for the thousands and thousands of dollars my parents spent on my education, but am also grateful I learned how to contribute. Good for you to help her in that way! I think she will be proud of her efforts and more satisfied on the trip knowing she kicked in.