“You’re straining at gnats. Focus on the big picture-not the small stuff.”
Aah, yes, the “don’t sweat the small stuff” argument. It’s as familiar as Wonder bread in a sacrament tray.
Imagine a man in a rowboat riding so low in the water it’s about to sink. For some reason, the boat is half full of gravel. The “straining at gnats” argument is the equivalent of giving the man a scale and telling him it only makes sense to throw rocks overboard that weigh at least pound. Anything under that, and he’s just wasting his time picking at nits. After all, how could a small pebble that weighs a fraction of ounce really matter?
I imagine the guy in the rowboat painstakingly weighing each of the hundreds of thousands of small pebbles, deciding each time that the pebble is too light to merit the effort required to discard it.
I remember hearing about an interesting scam. Two individuals, one black and the other white, pretend to get into a heated debate in a public place about racism and trust. They intentionally draw a bystander into their debate. One of them proposes a test of their willingness to trust strangers of another race. He hands his wallet to one of the other two and says he is going to walk around the block. He trusts them, he says. He leaves and returns a few minutes later. The second individual does the same. Then it’s the bystander’s turn. It’s surprising how many times the bystander will surrender his or her wallet-only to return to discover that his or her trust was misplaced.
Why would anyone give up their wallet in this situation? After having lost their wallets, individuals will often admit they were suspicious. But the weight of the larger issues-issues of race, and trust, and their willingness to believe in the basic goodness of other human beings–trumped their concerns. So what if the guy on the left in the baseball cap looked a little less than trustworthy? So what if the argument they’d been drawn into seemed a little contrived? They didn’t want to strain at gnats. They focused on the big picture. And the big picture, of course, required them to hand over their wallets and take a walk around the block.
Take the issue of women in the church, for example. It is often the equivalent of death by a thousand paper cuts-each cut insignificant, considered independently. After, all does it really matter that girls’ dress is policed more carefully than that of their male counterparts? That more weight is given to male milestones in the church? That more funding and attention is directed to male programs? That males receive more encouragement to think carefully about a career? That the opinions and spiritual insights of women in the ward carry less weight in PEC? And on, and on, and on. Each perhaps a trivial concern in the grand scheme of things. Taken together, they are the gravel that sinks the rowboat.
“That pebble? I can’t believe you’d be concerned about something that trivial,” they’ll say. And each time, you’ll have to explain what should be obvious. Small things matter-and enough small things matter a lot.
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What is “small stuff” is highly subjective. What the person is actually implying is that “my definition of small stuff trumps your definition of small stuff”. The mental list of issues I came up with that I thought this post was about was different from yours. To me most of the cultural stuff in the church is small stuff. My issues are more big picture issues of doctrine and abuse of ecclestiastical authority. So, the point is not whether lots of small things add up to big things. The subliminal point is that the other person claims the right to decide what is small stuff and what is not. What right do they have to dictate what is “small stuff”?
Beautifully put. The accumulation of all the little issues adds up to a heavy weight, one that is often too heavy to continue to carry around. People will tell me that my issues aren’t important, but as you point out, the sum of these issues is so heavy my boat has begun to sink. And those people will watch while I drown, telling me to just “let go” of the issues, as though suddenly that will make them weightless. It doesn’t work that way. I agree with Bob that one person’s small stuff may not be the same as that of another, and therein lies much of the difficulty. We are judged by them based on their definition, not ours. Thank you for this thoughtful post.
Blossom, my boat is sinking, too . . .
Do the things we like about church lighten the boat?
I’m trying not to get super depressed. The cheap seats have gotten a little dark lately.
Colin, sometimes, yes! I was the primary chorister for many years and that calling made me feel like I was dumping pebbles out by the cupful every Sunday. I often gritted my teeth through sacrament meeting, just waiting to get into the primary room and have 2 hours of fun with the kids. I often felt like I was participating in something larger than myself for those two hours. Not always, but sometimes.
Alas, I got released in October (I guess it was somebody else’s turn?) and haven’t been asked to do anything else. So I have no opportunity to dump the pebbles overboard.
So are there things about church that you like that lighten the boat?
That’s funny, because I felt better about the church after I got released from a calling. Making posters for the church activities committee is, literally, spirit-crushing.
I guess I mostly like the before and after bits: walking to church in the morning with my kids, seeing friends that I wouldn’t ordinarily see, carrying my kids home because their shoes give them blisters. I like the instant community, even though parts of it are assigned. Secular society hasn’t caught the knack of making full, rich community.
Could we, as belief fades, become more free to cherry-pick the things we like from our religions, and dump the pebbles over? I hope so.
I have a theory that most active members of the church have 200-300 things about the church that annoy or bother them about the church and its culture. These things are usually just ‘pebbles’ as you say, but if the number gets up into the 300-400 range, then they are in a place where the negative of being in the church is outweighing the positive (and their boat sinks).
This is a wonderful discussion. I agree with you that the “don’t sweat the small stuff” argument is a con. It is designed to shut down a discussion in which true believers are exposed as being naive and uninformed. I feel the same way any time a member uses the word “Satan”. It is a calculated move designed to shut down discussion by invoking what the speaker perceives is an enemy that all Christians are programmed to hate. And if you call out the speaker on such an obvious attempt to shut down enlightening discussion, then you expose yourself to the charge that you must be on Satan’s side.
Seek knowledge, brotherhood, and sincere love. Religion, government, and all other forms of consumerism stifle rather than promote these time-honored values.
Interesting thoughts.
I think Bob has a point, that the small things are different for different people and may be subjective to a point. However, I don’t think the small things are just isolated pebbles. They are all part of bigger problems, perhaps like small links in a bigger chain? For example, calling a teenage girl’s dress “walking pornography” is part of a bigger problem of male dominance and abuse. Changing the appearance of angels in a work of art or taking a quote out of context is part of a bigger problem of institutional integrity. Some people don’t see the links between the small things and the big things, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there.
I think this is a good way to explain this idea though. Thank you, Brent. My boat has been sinking for a long time. I think it’s time to get out and just stand on the shore and wave.
I agree. The small things are actually not small; they’re evidences of much bigger problems. So when someone says to me, “How can you get so worked up about women not being allowed to pray in general conference? Such a small thing . . .,” I want to shout, “It’s not a small thing! It’s huge. It’s a big piece of evidence that our church is a patriarchal organization wherein women virtually have no voice!”
And furthermore, if it IS only a small thing, then why don’t they change it? There’s a reason that policy is still around . . . I don’t believe for one second that it’s because church leaders are unaware of it. No way. They’re aware.
Well put, Heather.
I just reread my post that I left in a hurry and the first sentence…yikes! sorry to those that read it.
I agree, Heather. These issues are part of a way bigger problem. They treat us like we’re a little kid complaining because our mommy cut our grilled cheese sandwich into squares instead of triangles.
I got a lot of this treatment and dismissal with my ‘issues’ on my way out of the church. Now I realize that these ‘issues’ that may seem petty to others, are pieces of a large puzzle that was killing my soul. It’s kind of funny, but I wrote a letter to Uchtdorf complaining about the way the church treats women. He (or his secretary) wrote back and used the analogy of a puzzle and just because one piece didn’t fit, I needed to look at the big picture. The problem is, when I look at the big picture, it looks like a giant turd!
Very nicely put, Brent.
I feel like my boat has been sinking a lot lately, but this post made me think what makes it lighter.
Things that lighten my boat, to name a few:
I love the general feeling of fellowship I feel in Relief Society (although this changes from ward to ward).
I love the scribbled pictures my son brings home of Jesus and pictures telling him that he is a child of God.
I love singing the hymns in a congregation.
I love visiting teaching.
And when it actually does happen, I love hearing other people testify of Christ.
My boat is sunk, but I keep paddlng pretending it hasn’t. Hoping no one else notices.
There are things like community, singing, and the joy of children that throw pebbles out. But really I’m with you anonlds…the boat is just above the water line. Anyone care to toss another rock? Nice post….
officially sanctioned “middle way” mormonism? Is this possible?