[This week we pass the microphone to Heidi, a fellow cheap-seater. Heidi, it’s all yours. . .]
Like many cheap-seaters and feminists, I’m not a fan of the modesty discourse at church. There have already been many great conversations about what’s wrong with four-year-olds worrying about covering up their shoulders, women being told they shouldn’t wear pants to church or how problematic it is to keep telling young women to frame their sense of self based on how they appear to others (attracting men with their bodies or attracting men by covering up their bodies).
In short, I believe that modesty is not about the body parts that are covered, but about dressing appropriately for the occasion and the personality. What feels modest to one individual won’t be modest to another, but bodies aren’t dangerous and I think we can trust women to make decisions about what they want to wear and trust men to be able to control themselves no matter what a woman is wearing.
Still, while I might have opted out of worrying about modesty in the same way I used to, a lot of Mormon ladies still do. And, not only that, but modesty doesn’t exempt them from the societal expectations that all girls must be everything. In a recent vlog, C. Jane pointed this out, rather hilariously, when she and her sister laid out the most basic rules for Mormon women:
1. Be Hot
2. Be Modest
And there it is. Dealing with these twin pressures has led enterprising Mormon women to come up with some creative layering techniques. Cute maxi dress for the hotness rule, halftee for the modesty rule. Except some people don’t care for the results. C.Jane was responding to a reader who had written to tell C. Jane how ridiculous she looks in her halter tops look with t-shirts underneath them. This helpful reader had suggested that the only appropriate way for Mormon women to layer was to pattern themselves after the wholesome Maria Von Trapp or Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. (Because there is only one appropriate way to be hot and because women’s appearances — especially ones who dare to take pictures of themselves and put them up on the interwebs — are always fair game for comment.)
I’m not a fan of this either. Mormon ladies have every right to wear halftees and maxi dresses and they should be able to layer however they see fit. Still, while I might not be a fan of judging women by their appearances and holding them to unrealistic and contradictory standards, I am a HUGE fan of layering. And dressing like movie characters while doing the school run. The crazier looking and more man repelling, the better.
And, so in honor of Mormon ladies everywhere, I put together my best Maria inspired outfits. I hope C. Jane’s critic will approve. The basic principle behind Maria/Dorothy dressing seems to be a blouse under a fitted dress. I don’t have a white blouse with billowy sleeves, but I’m from sturdy pioneer stock and I can make do with things I already have.
Wearing:
My Michelle Obama dress, gift from my mother.
Weird floral blouse (with billowy sleeves), bought on sale.
Thrifted Topshop wedges.
Silk dress, thrifted
Weird floral blouse
Shrug of unknown origin (when two or three layers is not enough).
Husband’s old belt because style bloggers must belt at all times.
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I love clothes but more than that I love accessories. When I moved in to my 40s my theatre friend told me that as you age or widen (often done at once) you must leave the days of wearing two things behind (example pants and a shirt, shorts and a tank top) and you must join the third thing club. When rocking the third thing you can wear a long skirt, a t-shirt and a shrug, a little dress, leggings and a thin sweater. You only have to remember one thing, find and rock the third thing. As a life-long active temple attending Mormon, I have always done the third thing so my adjustment was less stressful as I aged. Modesty? I do not know a Mormon woman or any other woman who cares about being modest, Most women I know want to look skinny, modern and individual. I am modest but I never even think about it. As a woman in her fifties I am not a threat to the world because my massive Hotness needs managing. I teach Pre-K and the kids in my class mostly like the fact that I own lots of pairs of glasses and make my own jewelry. They seem to appreciate the fact that I match. Now if we take the word “modest: out of the Mormon context and use it like everyone else, I am not modest, I am arty, funky, whimsical and colorful. No modesty there.
Very cute. Be thou hot, (or cold), as the scriptures say. You’ve done a good job of re-framing your paradigm for modesty. Retro styles are great source of inspiration for modest but hot styles.
I rarely think about modesty now that I’m a married-career-mom and aged 33. In fact, I’ve rarely worried about it or spent much time thinking about it ever because I think, for the most part, I’m inherently “modest”. I’ve never had a hot bod that begged to be shown off; maybe if I had, this would be a different conversation. I agree with Janae, and anyone who knows any woman anywhere knows our #1 priority is to look as thin as humanly possible at all times. But, even that seems to become less important with age (maturity? wisdom?) Any time I exercise or work in the garden, I doubt I’m modest by any definition of Mormon standards – the sleeves are off, girls! Actually, most of my time is spent thinking about how to look as professional, put-together and competent as possible since 5/7 days a week I strive to put on this front for my demanding job. I’ve never been one of those girls either, really, but my circumstances make it so.
Oh, and it is definitely possible to be both hot and modest at the same time.
“Husband’s old belt because style bloggers must belt at all times.” My laugh of the day!
Also liked “Michelle Obama dress”
It comes in handy when I’m lunching with ambassadors.
I love your comments with the articles of clothing (“Michelle Obama Dress,” “Weird Floral Blouse”)…and it the ever-so-true belting statement :)
I haven’t been too big on modestly lately (I’ve never been to the temple so I don’t have that particular requirement), but when it gets to this time of year, creativity with layers is numero uno. I find that it’s one thing to layer for modesty in a one-style-fits-all manner (stick a Modbe or Shade or DownEast tee under whatever doesn’t work) and another to layer in a way that doesn’t stand out as being primarily functional because they additional layer(s) are great on their own and add interest (as in the situation with your blouse). Which, in my ever-so-fashionable opinion (ha! right!) is the way to go.
Great post on this particular aspect of modesty/fashion/hotness!
THE additional layers. Not “they.”
Sigh.
This was a great post…except for one little thing that still bothered me: that modestly is still merely reduced to clothing. I’m really tired of how modesty is addressed in Church as a dress code, when really (to me) modesty is a mind set, a state of being. It expresses itself in how you dress, for sure, but also in how you speak, act, live, think.
Fran, I really appreciate your comment. I had something very similar to what you wrote in my original draft and then I edited it out. I would like to explain why and get some feedback from you and others on my thought process. I think it is fascinating to examine the usage of certain words within church discourse, especially when we are talking about young women and sex. Words like modesty and virtue have been, if not divorced, definitely separated from their dictionary meanings. They’ve now taken on coded meanings where modesty is constantly equated with a dress code and virtue is equated with sexual purity and so I thought I would address the idea of modesty within that context. I think it is perfectly valid to point out that both words encompass so much more, but I’m not sure it’s enough to counteract the subtle and not so subtle barrage of messages carrying the coded meanings. In other words, I think modesty has too much baggage to reclaim its Oxford Dictionary definition. I wonder if it might be better to counteract these messages by focusing on integrity, compassion, kindness and humility because I think modesty naturally arises from those qualities. What do you think?
Well, I can definitely see where you’re coming from, and I think given your thoughts on how modesty has taken on a specific meaning in Church (dress code), I guess it makes sense to address it on that level. So, I’m with you.
I guess you also may have a point in regards to how difficult it may be to reclaim the world and give it back its original meaning. But I’m not sure that we’re doing ourselves a favor if we now avoid the word modesty and/or replace it with other terms that admitedly are related to modesty, but do not (in terms of semantics) represent modesty. I’d imagine that in 20 years of doing this humility (or compassion, or whatever) will be the new code word for dressing a certain way.
So, I’d think the only way to change course it to simply trying to reclaim modesty, and start addressing it in its fullness. That’d be my suggestions at least. I think if we simply started talking about modesty as a thing that represents a certain mind set to act, live, talk, dress, whatever in a manner that is honoring God and her/himself and that isn’t done in a way to seek approval or attention from the world, we’re bringing modesty back to a more wholistic approach, yet still being able to talk about clothing if there is a need. So, basically, I’m envisioning that in Church meetings, and conversations as the topic of modesty comes up in the usual manner of “dress code” that we simply speak up and point out what modesty really is (or how much more it is).
I’m sure such an approach won’t change much. But I’m not sure that trying to use other words to promote a completer notion of modesty will have much better results.
Then again, I haven’t even looked up modesty in the dictionary. I actually don’t know what its true definition is. :)
Dunno. Did I even address your question? I’m a bit tired (after a 20-mile run), so I’m not sure if I’m making sense or whether I actually really understood what you were trying to say.
This is a good point. Without changing the underlying reasons for the dress code, it probably doesn’t matter what code word we’re using.
I do hear what you are saying and I like the way you are focusing on modesty as an attitude and a way of being with internal origins. But I still wonder if modesty, even with the wholistic approach, is the best way to accomplish this. I think in honoring God and oneself, modesty will naturally arise, not the other way around. Your comment did remind me of a funny story. I was sitting through a RS modesty lesson a few years ago. There was a very bright woman from our stake who attempted to give a more wholistic definition of modesty (before she went on to give a very perscriptive dress code). She talked about how modesty was essentially about moderation and balance. She was also wearing a huge, bright red hat (think English wedding hat), a long purple skirt and bright red shoes, all worn without a hint of irony. I loved it, it was a visual reminder that modesty is in the eye of the beholder (and should be — I wouldn’t like to live in a world where Heather couldn’t wear her pants or this woman couldn’t wear her red hat).