09 Dear Jack: Sternly Part of It

Hello Jack,

I just found out about this site. Is it really for people who have left the church? If so, how can it co-exist with those who are sternly still part of it? I have found another site but it’s very anti-Mormon, mostly 20, 30, 40s who are still going through that painful separation process and voice very angry concerns. I, on the other hand, have been gone 30 years and hold little animosity toward the church and am of the opinion that Mormonism is a cultural genre similar to being Jewish. I revere my pioneer ancestors who were sent to settle southern Utah and am in wonder of the hardships they must have lived through 100 years ago. So, what is the timbre of this group? Is it safe to voice an opinion that isn’t along church guidelines? Etc.?

From,

Mary Lynn

Dear Mary Lynn,

I can’t speak for our readers, but I can fill you in on the writers of Doves & Serpents. As you’ve noted, we are not the most orthodox bunch, which might lead to the conclusion that we are a site for people who have left the church. But it’s not so, we have widely varying levels of activity and observance of Latter-day Saint practices in our ranks. Some of us, like you, moved on from the church a long time ago, some of us attend occasionally and some attend every week and continue to hold callings. Some of us keep the Word of Wisdom and wear our garments and some don’t. Some of us are seeking enlightenment in other spiritual traditions and others are combining the best of what Mormonism has to offer with the best spiritual practices we’ve found outside the church. What we share is a profound connection to our Mormon heritage and a desire to
explore and honor it, even if we no longer believe as simply as we once did.

Which all sounds very lovely and personally evolved, but the truth is that this half-in/half-out dance can be very confusing. People are uneasy when they aren’t sure what box you’re in and ultimatums abound — Are you with us or against us? If you don’t believe in the church, then why don’t you leave it alone? Either the church is a “fraud” or the “most important and wonderful work under the heavens.” Of course, this completely true or completely false paradigm is part of what led most of us to question the church in the first place. (Not that the church has cornered the market on black and white thinking, a strain of fundamentalism runs through every religion, every political party, every cause, but this is our strain to confront.) The paradigm doesn’t give any of us much room to move, if you are active and orthodox you feel compelled to defend the church, if your beliefs are heterodox, you feel defensive.

As for leaving the church alone, you may as well ask people why they are still influenced by the family they grew up in, why they have Aunt Mary’s nose or Grandpa George’s ability to fix cars, or why your mother’s voice seems to come out of your body when your kids push certain buttons. Whether we were born in the church or took birth into it when we were baptized, Mormonism is our family of origin. It has informed our views on everything from money to raising children to what you should wear and do on the Sabbath (whether we’ve accepted or rejected the models we saw). Most importantly, the church is where we learned to seek God and may be where we first found her.

And people have strong feelings about seeking and finding God, which is why your point about anger is so important. I love the idea  of people living their religion “sternly,” their teeth gritted against questions or setbacks, determined to choose the right, no matter what! For many of us, the church has also been a place where we encountered hypocrisy, the flawed humanity of leaders and the way some people cannot seem to get enough of  rules and boundaries. Add to that serious questions about truth, about the right way to treat our homosexual brothers and sisters or women and — well, I understand where the anger comes from. And yet.

And yet, as you’ve discovered, anger doesn’t get us anywhere. The real lesson to be learned from small mindedness, hypocrisy and downright unkindness  is to look for those things in ourselves. The real lesson is to look for our own sternness, to let suffering into our hearts and really feel it so we won’t be careless when it comes to the hearts of others. We co-exist by remembering that we are not separate from our brothers and sisters in or out of the church, they are not other. I think this is what unites us on Doves & Serpents. We are trying to do this half-in/half-out dance with grace, with heads that confront the questions that trouble us and hearts that embrace all the beautiful things we’ve inherited from our Mormon family.

Yours,

Jack

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