A couple weeks ago, I asked two questions: 1) Why is leaving hard? and 2) Why do people do it? Last week I tried to answer the first question. This week I’m going to do my best to answer the second.
Let’s start with the standard Sunday-school explanation. According to a chapter in a recent church manual, cheap seaters (and those who have left the building) are motivated by “fault-finding,” have lost “the spirit,” and are filled with “darkness and confusion.” The chapter is based on quotes from Brigham Young. It’s not a nuanced analysis.
According to a fairly recent conference talk on the subject, we are lost sheep kept from returning to the fold by feelings of unworthiness and shame, personal problems, family problems, laziness, and inflexible work schedules.
These explanations are cheap, easy, and self-serving-and inaccurate.
Luckily, this ground has already been plowed. More accurate explanations are only a mouse-click away. For a bird’s-eye data about who leaves, how many leave, where they go when they leave, etc., see The Pew Forum U.S. Religious Landscape Survey. For some early academic studies on Mormon disaffiliation, see papers by Howard Bahr (his vita is still available on the BYU website) and Stan L. Albrecht (now President of Utah State University). Go here for a thoughtful YouTube video on the subject. Click here for an interesting video response to that video. Here is a lengthy document that addresses the process of disaffiliation from a number of different perspectives (with the objective of helping individuals work through the process). Here is a first-person account by the grandson of a prophet that was published in The Arizona Republic. This is a link to a discussion forum started by the same individual. Hundreds of first-person accounts are posted here. Here is a Wikipedia article that explicitly addresses why people leave. This is a link to a moderated forum with hundreds of thousands of posts, many related to the process of disaffiliation. Here is another forum, again with hundreds of thousands of posts. Here’s another forum-this one more hostile than the previous two. This is a WikiHow page on how to leave gracefully. And the list could go on almost indefinitely.
A quick Google search generates thousands of links to personal blogs, discussion forums, support groups, and other related sites. Do we really want to know why people leave? If we do, all we need to do is pay attention to what these folks are telling us.
I’ll add my thoughts to the mountain of personal accounts, histories, and commentary. Here are three reasons I’m in the cheap seats:
1) I believe spiritual experiences are part of the human experience. I don’t believe my spiritual experiences are any more authentic, profound, pure, or significant than anyone else’s. I don’t know how such a determination might be made or on what basis such a conclusion might be reached.
2) I believe the ability to consciously and purposely direct one’s life is perhaps the most unfathomable and beautiful of life’s mysteries. If we are ever required to give an accounting of our lives, I believe how we exercise this ability will be what matters the most.
3) For those interested in worshipping deity, I believe the best way to do it is to work to alleviate the suffering of fellow human beings.
If I were to head back down to the field, I would have to compromise these beliefs in significant ways.
There is little room in the official doctrines and teachings of the Mormon church for an honest respect for the spiritual lives of those outside Mormonism. To the extent that the experiences and beliefs of others outside our faith overlap with our own, we are willing to acknowledge that they may have an incomplete or inferior version of truth already in our possession. To the extent that the experiences and beliefs of others differ from our own, they are mistaken. There is no room for spiritual plurality.
To live by a code of exact obedience to external dictates is to outsource responsibility for our own spiritual lives. It represents a surrender of what I believe to be life’s greatest gift. The decisions we make in life are less important than the fact that we-as individuals-assume responsibility for making those decisions. It’s about the process, not the outcome. Painting by the numbers, regardless of how carefully, isn’t the same as painting our own picture-and learning to paint on our own, I suspect, will be what will matter the most in the end.
The Mormon church is, in many ways, the equivalent of a gated community. Only a small fraction of our resources are used to address suffering outside our gates. We do enough to assuage the guilt of the average member, but the overwhelming majority of resources are directed internally. I suspect that if the opulence of Mormon temples, for example, are ever weighed in the balance against the human suffering that could have been alleviated if these resources had been allocated differently, we’ll discover our error. I suspect, should we ever stand in the presence of deity, that we will receive little credit for the wealth displayed in the course of worship.
So why did I make the hike up to the cheap seats? It’s because of what I believe-not because of what I don’t believe. It’s not about finding fault, being offended, or having problems with doctrinal issues. It’s because I believe in the plurality of spiritual experience. It’s because I value the ability to consciously and purposely direct my own spiritual life. And finally, it’s because I feel compelled to focus on making the world-this world-a better place by doing what little I can, wherever I can, regardless of religious affiliation.
For me it’s a question of integrity. Do I have the courage to live my life so that it mirrors my beliefs? Even if it’s hard?
Great post. I love your statement of beliefs–which are also your reasons for leaving.
I, too, find it easier to live my core spiritual beliefs outside the Mormon fold–and no, I’m not mad at anyone–nor do I feel full of “darkness and confusion.”
What a great metaphor this is: “The Mormon church is, in many ways, the equivalent of a gated community. Only a small fraction of our resources are used to address suffering outside our gates. We do enough to assuage the guilt of the average member, but the overwhelming majority of resources are directed internally.”
I think we believe ourselves to be very giving and service-oriented, but the reality probably doesn’t match up to the romanticized versions in our minds.
Enjoyed the piece!
Thank you, Brett. I appreciate the thoughts and loved the following comments:
To live by a code of exact obedience to external dictates is to outsource responsibility for our own spiritual lives. It represents a surrender of what I believe to be life’s greatest gift.
So why did I make the hike up to the cheap seats? It’s because of what I believe-not because of what I don’t believe. It’s not about finding fault, being offended, or having problems with doctrinal issues. It’s because I believe in the plurality of spiritual experience. It’s because I value the ability to consciously and purposely direct my own spiritual life. And finally, it’s because I feel compelled to focus on making the world-this world-a better place by doing what little I can, wherever I can, regardless of religious affiliation.
You are so right about the answers given on behalf of us who have left the ballpark. I hate the simplistic box those answers puts me in. If only this was that simple.
Your voice to these matters is very much appreciated,
Great post. I think that this is the on that I can relate to the most. I, too, find it easier to live my core spiritual beliefs outside of the Mormon fold. I believe this to be the Mormon in the Cheap seats post to date…
I was trying to articulate this idea to my daughter just today; your words are perfect. Thank you.
I’ll echo that this is the best Mormon in the Cheap Seats post to date. Really heartfelt. Great resources. Almost thou persuadest me to be a cheap seat member again.
As a dude who enjoys painting, I really appreciated this post. My question is how do you stay in the cheap seats, don’t church leaders and other people who you don’t really want talk to try to get you back down on the field?
“Who wouldn’t want 50 yard line seats?” they seem to say.
Oddly, not really (at least not as much as one might anticipate). And there are those who wonder why you haven’t left the building. . . You end up getting pulled closer to the field (or at least feeling like others, family members, TBM friends, etc. would like it if you sat down closer to the action) AND getting tugged in the other direction by those who have left (and wonder why you’re still sticking around). Most of the time it balances out. . .
In my experience, there is definitely some of that, Colin, then genuine confusion, and then almost a throwing-up-your-hands/shrugging-your-shoulders and giving up.
I’m guessing many people at church just truly don’t know what to do with him (or me?). But they can’t not like him. He is a very likable guy . . .
I really like the paint-by-numbers vs. painting on your own analogy, Brent. Great post! I’m somewhat reminded of my sister Lynnette’s post on obedience, “Are We Here on Earth to Learn to Play ‘Simon Says’?”
I just read Lynnette’s post. It’s great (the Simon Says analogy is perfect–I wish I would have thought of it). For folks reading the comments, here is the link again: http://zelophehadsdaughters.com/2011/05/07/are-we-here-on-earth-to-learn-to-play-simon-says/.
It’s the most logical of questions really. And there are several different analogies that work. For example, can an apprentice (of anything, really) master a trade or craft by being “exactly” obedient? Here’s another one: Do parents want their children to learn obedience, or independence? And there are even more fundamental questions. If we can’t tell what Simon is saying, then how can we be obedient? If it is impossible to tell what is coming from Simon and what is coming from another source, then what are we supposed to do? BKP, in his infamous Candle of the Lord talk (http://lds.org/ensign/1983/01/the-candle-of-the-lord?lang=eng) ties himself in knots on this one. He states in the talk that Satan can imitate the spirit and that it may be impossible to tell whether a “prompting” is really from God or not. He then says that one way to tell if it is from God is by whether or not the prompting confirms church teachings. So, to summarize BKP, how do we know the church is true? Spiritual promptings (that may or may not be from God). How do we know if promptings are from God? If they conform to church teachings (which may or may not be true). It’s a textbook example of circular logic. Of course this is the same talk in which BKP promotes the practice of lying one’s way into a spiritual experience. . .
Great post, Brent. Do you see yourself in the cheap seats for the foreseeable future? Is there anything specific that could make you leave for good and find something else to do on a Sunday?
@ECS, when I started the Mormon in the Cheap Seats series, I envisioned a total of 50 posts (a nice round number). I may have a few more answers by the time I get to 50. . . How about you? Are you still in the cheap seats?
Ha ha. Talk about dodging the question. What gives, Brent? ;)
Hmm. I see that you mistook my courageous stand for fluidity and indeterminacy for “dodging.” Smile.
Very thoughtful post. And not just applicable to the Mormon church.
I’m still around, sitting in the nosebleed section.
Good to know. Glad to have to have some company up here.
Echo “best cheap seats column yet.” Thanks Brent. /s/ a fellow nose-bleeder.
These posts are filled with such insight Brent. My wife and I are still in the Church and try our best to engage with it on our terms but sometimes I wonder what it will be the last straw for us…
Your blog has definitely inspired me to totally change the way I write. I want to let you know I appreciate your great work.