Dear Jack,
When I think about my testimony of the truth claims of the LDS church, I imagine a candle in my soul flickering. That inner candle used to burn brightly, but over the last few years as I’ve learned more and struggled with faith issues, the flame has waned. In fact, I would say I’ve lost both the majority of my old beliefs about God and the church and the certainty that used to accompany those beliefs. I’m agnostic, though still active. However, there is still a small flicker in there, a soft spot, if you will, for Joseph Smith, the First Vision and the Book of Mormon. Is it intellectually lame or lazy for me to want to protect the last flickers of that candle? Or do I need to screw my courage to the sticking place and blow the candle out?
– Wondering …
;
;
Dear Wondering …,
It’s terrifying to gain an awareness of how little we know and how little we understand, to lose our certainty and our sense of how things are “supposed” to be. No wonder you are seeking closure and distance from your earlier sure self. Your new self is as tender and vulnerable as a newborn baby, how tempting it is to build up walls to shelter it. How tempting to let your disillusionments harden into bitterness or to go seeking a new religion (whether it’s an actual church or just a new set of beliefs to cling to). How tempting to blow out the candle and start over. However, this loss is good news. If you choose to meet this moment with openness, humility and compassion, I believe this will be a beginning for you, not an end.
When everything you thought you knew burned away, you were left with this little flicker, this flame of hope and faith, embodied by a young boy who went into the woods to seek God. I don’t think this flame can be extinguished because it isn’t separate from you, it lives inside you. That flame isn’t your testimony of the LDS church, it’s something deeper. In LDS theology, it’s the light of Christ that every person is born with, but it has many names. It’s your soul, your spirit, your Buddha nature, the luminous mind, your human capacity for awe and goodness. It’s that thing inside each and every human being that makes us reach for something bigger than ourselves and yearn for the divine. Having a soft spot for Joseph isn’t intellectually weak or lazy, I think it is more likely an indication that you have a soft and open heart, something you’ll need as you continue to mature spiritually.
For a time, the LDS church was a container for your flame. Like an ornate glass lantern, it colored your experiences and cast patterns and shapes on the walls of your life. Perhaps you’ve seen the cracks and imperfections in the glass and, even if they were always there, the lamp has grown less beautiful to you. Maybe you’ve realized that the patterns on your wall are not the ones you want or the lantern has begun to suffocate your flame and you need to remove it so light can be cast into corners of your life that are crying out for illumination. Maybe your lamp just needs a good wash and a fresh start. Whatever the reason, you must trust yourself and do what continues to feed your flame.
There is a Buddhist story I like that illustrates this concept*. One of the most famous teachings of the Buddha’s life was given in the village of the Kalamas. After they had hosted a succession of masters giving contradictory spiritual teachings they became confused. (Sound like anyone else we know?) When the Buddha arrived and heard of this, he said:
You may be puzzled, Kalamas, and in doubt, and your doubt has arisen about what should be doubted. Do not believe me either. If you wish to know spiritual truth, you must investigate it this way: Do not, O Kalamas, be satisfied with hearsay or tradition, with legends or what is written in great scriptures, with conjecture or logic, or with liking for a view or disliking it, or saying, “This comes from a great master or teacher.” But look in yourselves . When you know in yourselves what teachings are unprofitable, blameworthy, condemned by the wise, when adopted and put into effect lead to harm and suffering, you should abandon them. If they lead to falsehood and greed, to thievery and obsession, to the increase of hatred and delusion, abandon them. Again, O Kalamas, do not be satisfied with hearsay or tradition, or any teachings, however they may come to you. Only when you know in yourself when things are wholesome, blameless, commended by the wise, and when adopted and practiced lead to welfare and happiness, should you practice them. When they lead to virtue, honesty, loving- kindness, clarity and freedom, then you must follow these.
O Wondering, do not believe me either. Trust your heart, keep it open and be a lamp unto yourself.
Yours,
Jack
Have a question for Jack? Submit it HERE.
*Excerpt taken from A Path With Heart by Jack Kornfield
;
;
It’s unfortunate that the church seems to want you to either fan the flame or blow it out. Why does it have to be a choice between one or the other? What’s wrong with a flickering candle?
Great analogy of the Church as a container for the flame of faith. A person may not notice flaws in the container at first–but eventually they will bother her and she will have to choose how to deal with the imperfections.
This is powerful – and empowering. Wow!
I’ve played around with the idea of a faith tradition as a kind of template for spiritual attributions, as kaleidoscope, and even as a kind of rorschach test, but your metaphor of the church as a container (or filter) for the flame of innate faith is really beautiful–it’s beautiful imagery AND it’s a rich metaphor. Thanks for the wisdom.
Nice post. I like the lantern metaphor.