Dear Jack,
My husband and I are DNA Mormons, 5-7 generations on all lines. We have two young adult sons, neither of whom believe in LDS church teachings. My husband has not been a believer since his mission, but attended somewhat regularly until the oldest son graduated from high school. I’ve not been a firm believer either, but remained active until Proposition 8 in California in 2008. Because of that background, we can both understand our sons’ feelings, at least to some extent. One of my concerns has been how they would handle issues like drugs and alcohol. I know that my oldest drinks beer regularly, and the other drinks alcohol occasionally. But the other day, he mentioned that he occasionally smokes hookah! This seems really, really dumb to me. He’s a PhD student in a scientific field– why would he smoke tobacco? Am I over-reacting to this because of my Mormonism? Or my rapidly advancing age? And, in general, why do I still have trouble being comfortable with him not following the Word of Wisdom, even though my dad, and one set of grandparents drank coffee frequently?
Paula,
Dear Paula,
A hookah pipe, huh? That seems dumb to me too. However, some of the things you mentioned in your letter tell me that we need not worry too much about your son. First of all, he’s smoking hookah. This seems extravagant and maybe silly, but I think you can probably believe that this is something he does only occasionally, a party time indulgence, which is good news on the addiction front. Research suggests that hookah smoking is less addictive than cigarettes, most likely because it is done less frequently ( probably because it is less portable). Secondly, he is not an adolescent, he’s young, but mature and bright. He (like the rest of the world) knows that smoking is addictive, expensive and bad for him. Hopefully, this knowledge will keep him from developing a habit. Last, but not least, he told you about it. This is a vote of confidence in your adult friendship and it bodes well for more sensible behavior in the future. I think you have every right to tell him that you don’t think his smoking is wise, but understand that he is an adult that must make his own decisions and then leave it at that.
Of course, you have a son who is honest with you, so you’ve probably already done something like I suggested. So now we need to talk about your other questions. Why does Word of Wisdom breaking get under your skin when you’re not a traditional believer and understand objectively that there is nothing morally wrong with your sons’ choices (since they seem to be drinking moderately and responsibly)? I think it is because it literally feels wrong to you. We Mormons are a tribal people, abstaining from substances that the rest of the world partakes in cultivates a strong sense of unity and identity. This is not to say that the Word of Wisdom doesn’t have the potential to be a tool that brings you closer to God. I believe that most religious practices are meaningful when done with the right intent. However, it is also true that religious practices, especially ones that are tangible and external like the Word of Wisdom, can be used to build boundaries against the “world” or the “unfaithful” and reinforce a sense of unique and concrete identity. Yes, your grandparents and father drank coffee, but even this has tribal precedent. The Word of Wisdom did not begin to take on its modern significance until 1921, when Heber J. Grant made it an absolute requirement for temple attendance. Before that the historical record suggests that violations were frowned upon, but tolerated. In other words, many members probably have grandparents and great-grandparents that didn’t strictly observe the Word of Wisdom. And there is a hierarchy of obedience within even the most faithful member’s observance (i.e. everyone ignoring the eat meat sparingly part). If coffee drinking is making out in the back of a car, drinking alcohol is going all the way.
But even if you understand all this rationally, do not underestimate the strong pull of cultural identity on your feelings. I think it is very likely that this is the source of your discomfort. Over time you will become more used to the idea that your sons do not observe the Word of Wisdom and this fact will be woven into the fabric of your family’s life and stop feeling so strange. Finally, I think there may be something else related to identity that we should discuss. All parents feel a sense of responsibility for their children’s choices no matter how old they are. But when your role as a parent is tied up with your eternal identity and purpose for existing (especially true for women, as leaders frequently equate motherhood with priesthood), this sense of responsibility takes on an added intensity. There is a difference between knowing this intellectually and knowing it in your heart, but perhaps remembering this can start to lessen your anxiety.
It’s OK to grieve that your sons are not going to maintain the same connections to the tribe you grew up in, even if you aren’t sure about the church yourself. As a DNA Mormon, it is a fundamental part of who you are and it makes sense to me that you feel some worry and sadness. Don’t try to push those feelings away with reason, honor them and give them proper attention. As you do this, I believe you will open yourself to the way your family is going to evolve and change, which may include accepting a son who foolishly continues to smoke hookah. But hopefully not.
Yours,
Jack
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“If coffee drinking is making out in the back of a car, drinking alcohol is going all the way.” Ain’t it the truth!
Hilarious–loved this line too. So, what’s the WoW violation equivalent of no longer being the master of your domain? Chewing tobacco?
Here’s a great article which discusses the various ways the church has treated the Word of Wisdom over its history: http://www.dialoguejournal.com/wp-content/uploads/sbi/articles/Dialogue_V14N03_80.pdf
In my great-grandparents era of the church, there was certainly no hierarchy of sins in the Word of Wisdom, and if there was, the worst was eating meat. Brigham had a great liquor cabinet and as our collective strictness was ratcheting up with the Word of Wisdom, many of the apostles were making sure that Beer remained Kosher (at least Danish beer).
Not to make things worse, but whenever my friends smoked using a hookah, it was rarely tobacco that they were smoking.
Aside from our Mormon conditioning – which I think runs far deeper than we can consciously see – I know that I just feel a general sense of unease with my teenager as he makes more and more of his own choices. Mostly, it’s just fine – but I’ve noticed this unease growing the past year as he’s been driving. When we help him navigate his future, a little pang in my gut tightens up as I realize that everything he does in life will very soon be completely out of my control. Hookah, homework assignments, girlfriends/boyfriends (whatev the kids choose), their place to live, jobs, etc – is all out of my control and it that thought can produce some fear for me. Maybe that is part of what you’re experiencing?
I never knew anyone who smoked hookah until I got to know people in Ph.D programs.
I hope Paula is monitoring this conversation, since I am about to spill my guts and I would hate doing this if it is of no help to Paula.
This is a very personal subject for me and I hate writing this, but, if it can help…
My oldest daughter smokes cigarettes and it breaks my heart. You have to understand, I am about as far as one can move from Mormonism and still be called a member. But to see her smoke just kills me, it is traumatic every time I see her light up. I know in my heart she will die of cancer, and I know that it is a disgusting and filthy habit. I see smoking a pipe as less dangerous for all the reasons listed above, but I get what you are saying Paula, it bothers us who once were believers in the Word of Wisdom. I drink coffee on a daily basis and I think to myself, could I have caused this smoking. I know on a intellectual level that I did not cause this, she started smoking before I started coffee, but I still ask myself. Those old habits of guilt hang on to us Mormons.
So my point in this rambling, I understand what you feel and I think it is quite normal for you to feel this. I think we as parents need to not beat ourselves up so much. It is also quite clear that you have an exceptional son and for every other reason in the world you have lots to be proud of in this young man. He sounds like someone I would love to have as a son.
Thanks so much, Jack and Joe, I’m still stunned by this. Out of all things I’ve worried about over the years, hookah never ever appeared on the list. I hope he’s right about being able to handle it. I realized today that part of my worry stems from all the scare tactic warnings about alcohol and car accidents. Joe my son says that he wouldn’t ever smoke cigarettes, but that a lot of smart kids he knows do, partly ou of rebellion, partly because they think the warnings against cigarette smoking are just another example of the baby boomers foisting their opinions on everyone.
Joe I’m so sorry about your daughter. It would break my heart. Thank you for sharing your story with me.
Paula, I find your questions intriguing because I am the daughter in this story. My parents are both fully active, true believing Mormons, and when I told them I did not believe in the church anymore, they were devastated. I understand this, especially considering I was fully active in appearance–even if I was never sure of my beliefs–up until a few months before I released the letter.
After I left the church, I did try many of those forbidden things–alcohol, cigarettes, coffee, tea–and only a few stuck. Some of this came from curiosity, but most came from the question–if these people who I am really close to, and act more Christ-like than many of my Mormon peers, drink alcohol, coffee, and tea (only a few smoked), what is the harm in partaking of those substances?
So I tried. A still like coffee and tea, but the others are more social. Having a drink with friends is very enjoyable and relaxing. As for smoking? The health benefits are bad, yes, but if you talk to any doctor they will tell you that taking a few drags once in a while is not dangerous to your health. It’s when you light up every day, smoke a pack or two a week, that it becomes a health hazard. (Or when you are regularly around those who smoke without consciously blowing smoke away from you or avoiding smoking in the car.)
Hookah, on the other hand, is purely a social thing that college students really enjoy partaking of, something that I’ve never been interested in purely because it seems unsanitary to me, and when they smoke it they rarely inhale dangerous amounts.
That isn’t to say it can’t be dangerous, but you can be assured that in the amounts your son is smoking it, it really isn’t harmful. (Plus, my husband is in medical school and we get to read all the pamphlets on this as well as speak to specialists. I suppose my relaxed attitude may be surprising to some, but I have seen far worse things in coming here from drinking and driving that I find it hard to worry about smoking a hookah every now and then.)
On the other hand, I understand your fears and sadness. Coming from a strong LDS heritage, it is hard to accept these different lifestyle choices. I am sure my parents pray that I will make different choices without the positive approach you and your husband are taking. I really commend you on that; your boys are lucky to have parents who reach out to a supportive environment–like Doves and Serpents–for help when you are struggling with some of their decisions.
The bigger danger a hookah brings in the Mormon world is being affixed with the dreaded “hippie” label…;)
Jokes aside, I get it. I see the WoW as more of a cultural artifact than a spiritual guide – though remain open to the idea of health and food choices having a spiritual dimension. That said, I would greatly struggle if my kids became users of tobacco or alcohol – particularly the latter, given some family history. And chances are that they will at least dabble in it, so it’s something I have to figure out how to deal with constructively.
Paula, my son just graduated from Northern Illinois University with a degree in history and a degree in anthropology. He has worked at a hookha shop for the past three years. The kids who come in are intelligent, educated free-thinkers who just want to hang out. They watch movies, smoke, and drink coffee in a safe comfortable place. They aren’t getting drunk in somebody’s apartment, then trying to walk or drive home at 2 in the morning. Yeah, it bothers me that my son works there. It also bothers me that he smokes cigarettes. But he is a real good kid and I love him so much.
When Mike first started working there, he told me he worked in a late-night cafe because he didn’t know how I would react. When I left the LDS church, I decided I would no longer judge people by what they do instead of what is in their heart. That is the true meaning of Christ-like love.
I am a non smoker, former mormon who has tried a hookah before. I would not get too excited about your child smoking a hookah. Having lived in the middle east during my graduate school days, I saw many people smoking hookahs as a social interaction… smoking a hookah is NOT like smoking a cigarette… we had some Palestinian friends over to our house and they brought their hookah. I would never allow someone to smoke in our house as I simply don’t like nor want the smell of tobacco in the house… however, the hookah has virtually zero smoke because of the water filtration and I was very surprised by the experience when I tried it.
I would have to do some more research about it… but in my limited experience a hookah isn’t habit forming like normal cigarettes. I think you are over reacting to the idea of using a hookah. It is clearly not the same as smoking cigarettes… so I would not get to worked up about it…. as a matter of fact I would recommend you try it… try the apple flavor…. it smells very good….