Dear Jack,
I’ve been struggling with my Mormon-ness for about five years, but have been attending weekly and fully participating. I just got released from a calling that I love. It was truly the only thing keeping me attached to the church. Now that I will no longer be doing that, I’m thinking I will take some time off from church to re-evaluate. My questions are:
1. What do I do with my kids? Do I allow them to choose whether they want to keep attending or not?
2. Do I tell anyone at church what I’m doing? If I don’t, before too long someone is sure to ask where I’ve been, and
3. What will I DO on Sunday instead of going to church? I’ve been a member my whole life and I’ve never done anything else on Sundays. I don’t want it to feel like another Saturday (although I could sure use an extra weekend day . . .)
Signed,
Exhausted
Dear Exhausted,
First of all, I’m so sorry you were released from a calling you loved. Sometimes we’re biding our time in a calling, praying to be released from the moment a member of the bishopric catches us in the hall and says, “Do you have a minute?” We go through the motions, miming the actions of a good Activity Day Leader or a good Sunday School teacher, but our hearts aren’t really in it. But sometimes, as a wise friend has said to me, our callings really are callings. They fill our souls and give our worship meaning. Your calling may have been that for you and I’m so sorry that you lost it.
But I sense something else in your letter. You’ve been holding on to that calling like a talisman, a charm that could keep your struggles with Mormon-ness at bay. You’ve held onto it so tight that your arms and hands ache with the effort. You’ve been using that calling to keep you from fully facing a question that is closer to the bone and more fundamental than the ones you’ve asked in your letter. With your list of questions, I hear you asking this:
Even though I am so Mormon that I don’t know how to be anything else, even though I loved my calling, even though I love parts of the church, even though I am imperfect, even though I have legitimate, practical concerns about my children, others’ expectations and my precious time — should I stay or should I go?
We all have our reasons — valid, good reasons — for staying or going. But our reasons aren’t the real truth of why we stay or go, the truth is something deeper, embedded in the core of who we are. It’s the truth of what we really want and the time has come for you to face that. The trouble is that sometimes we don’t know what we really want in our deepest beings until we take a step into the dark. Five years is a long time to stay while struggling. Your questions and heartfelt troubles have been fluttering around your heart like a bird trapped in a room, growing more wild and agitated as the days go by. Now, it’s time to set the bird free and see where it lands.
I can tell you one thing, wherever that is — a new church, no church, same church — will be flawed. As your questions rightly anticipate, solving one problem will create new ones. But you can’t fake what you know in your bones to be right. And if you honor what you know in your deepest being, you will be able to live with the rest, you will be able to face the problems of what to do with your children, questions from others and time.
As for letting people know at church, some people like to go out in a blaze of letter-writing, blogging glory, others like to slowly fade away. Given your level of activity, I would recommend a quiet meeting with the bishop and maybe the Relief Society president telling them that you are stepping back, expressing love and clearly drawing your boundaries. Let them know that you are not a project, you are not something broken that needs to be fixed, but you are happy/not happy to keep visiting teaching or attending/not attending. Ask them to support and pray for your family and respect your choices.
Sometimes we teach our children lessons about staying when the going gets rough, blooming where we are planted and getting along in an imperfect world. Now is the time to teach your children about reaching and being adaptable, about how life is full of grace and unexpected opportunities. This is the time to show them what it looks like to recognize and follow what they most want and need. And isn’t that what you want for them? Isn’t that what will allow you to send them off to church on their own, or not? Maybe you’ll decide that the church is where you belong, but your perfect Sunday is one hour instead of three. Maybe you’ll decide that the Sabbath is a family day, a day away from computers and cell phones. Maybe you’ll find another place of worship that feeds your soul.
Give yourself some time, have faith in your own internal wisdom and I know you’ll land in the right place.
Yours,
Jack
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So many truths here, wonderful post!
A friend (can I call someone I’ve kibitzed with on the internet but only met once in person a friend? I think so.) told me that they quit attending when their kids were small and took up geocaching as their Sunday family activity. It’s something that the whole family can be involved in and gets them outside, walking in the fresh air.
Not everyone will be into geocaching, but pick a family hobby and do that instead. Or go to a different church every Sunday, which would be an eye-opener for some to see the variety in worship. Honestly, if you went to a different church every week for a year you might decide you like the LDS church and go back and enjoy it. (I don’t know that you would, but I’ve heard of people who did.)
When I quit attending regularly I found myself parked in front of the TV with my laptop open and just watching movies and surfing the internet all day. After two Sundays of that, I have made a point of choosing something on Saturday night — a home improvement project, geocaching, a hike or bike ride, etc. — as my Sunday activity and then doing it. So, I don’t do the same thing every week and I try not to get bogged down in the two page to-do list (which is my Saturday M.O.), but to consciously do something.
(And, I’m sorry about your losing a calling that you really liked. I sometimes wonder what would happen if you had told the bishop, “If you release me, I’m not coming back.” Interesting thought experiment.)
Thank you. A Sabbath for me has remained/become a day of family, a day to start over and rejuvinate, or an extra day as a gift. Sometimes it includes going to a church building, but not as often. :)
When I was in the beginning of struggling with my own faith crisis, my “own Mormon-ness,” I too had a calling I loved; it was perfect for me. Soon though it became more of an annoying burden. I didn’t want to feel guilted or pressured into going every Sunday; when I attended church I wanted it to be because I truly had the desire to go. I don’t resent going to church when I do go now.
What to do with the kids? My kids are young; the oldest just turned 5. I asked her last week if she wanted to participate in the Primary Program and she honestly said no, so we didn’t go! You probably know your own kids best; if you think they are old enough to own the decision, then they are; trust that decision and trust them.
Who or what to tell? Since you’re asking, I would advise to start off telling only a few close people the bare minimum and not alarming people. That’s up to you though. Once you’ve decided you can trust people then you can take it further. In my experience, I confided in 2 people in the ward and I may as well have told 20. To be fair, all of those 20 people have been very kind, but still… . One of those people later became the Bishop’s wife, so now I just don’t tell her as much; I’d just personally rather not. It depends on how close to the bishop you are, and how much outside support you want. The other person of the 2 was newly in the RS presidency, and soon after the whole presidency knew. I don’t like the feeling, even if it’s misplaced, that I’m being talked about in meetings. On another note, if someone asks me where I’ve been or says that they’ve missed me, I’ll say, “I’ve missed YOU, where have YOU been?!” (With a smile maybe.)
What to do with the time? I love that I get to figure that out. Maybe it means for you more scripture study, although for me it doesn’t. I do spend more time reading, though. :) I am also lucky to have extended family (that I like) nearby so we spend a lot more time together.
Best of luck, good feelings, and positive energy to you!
Love this post. Thank you.
This line is great: “This is the time to show them what it looks like to recognize and follow what they most want and need. And isn’t that what you want for them?”
I related to the process of “stepping back” to hiking up the embankment of a river. It can be hard to leave. Here’s the post: https://dovesandserpents.org/2011/08/07-mcs-spiritual-pinball/.
Is this really true–“It was truly the only thing keeping me attached to the church.”?
Your questions and heartfelt troubles have been fluttering around your heart like a bird trapped in a room, growing more wild and agitated as the days go by
So true!
And such a compellingly beautiful image.
If Exhausted decides to consult the Bishop, I hope the Bishop takes a gentle approach. A friend recently met with her Bishop to explain some issues she had and to tell him she was stepping back. He was impatient with her and didn’t want to substantively discuss her issues. Rather he tried to commit her to read and pray about the Book of Mormon. She felt patronized and dismissed. I think it would have gone much better if he hadn’t tried to solve her issues so simplistically. Rather he could have told her he wished her the best and asked her to please let him know if and how he could help.
911 John Dehlin.
Ha ha! Very funny, annegb!
hilarious, annegb!
This is a big issue, and I’m sorry for your friend; I’ve experienced the same thing. I hope Exhausted’s bishop responds better.
This is a lovely post, with so many great sentiments expressed. Echoing Michael’s experience, I think it’s important to choose something specific to do, and not just hang out doing nothing, which I think would be very unfulfilling. There are so many wonderful things you could do; for me, the ideal would be something out in nature. Take walks, go exploring, eat a picnic by a river or in a field or something like that. I like the idea of visiting different churches each week, too; I’ve wanted to do that myself. Choose something specific to learn about, make a day of cooking together, volunteer at a soup kitchen–anything that will be spiritually and emotionally uplifting.