Dear Jack,
How much coffee is too much? How much alcohol is too much? Those sound like lead-ins to a joke, but I am asking in earnest. I don’t drink coffee or alcohol at all, but I grant there is nothing particularly unwise about sharing a drink with somebody now and then. Can you share any wisdom for the young folks?
From,
Tom
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Dear Tom,
The right amount of coffee and alcohol is as much as you can drink without being an asshole or harming yourself or others. And exactly how much, you might be wondering, is that? I don’t know. Everyone is different, these things take time and some trial and error.
In my experience, there are two general kinds of Jack Mormons — the first is the type who never really bought into the church. This type went through the motions while living at home, but had one foot out the door from the time they were pretty young. If you are the first type, you’ve probably had a flexible approach to the Word of Wisdom for a long time and you’ve already got this coffee and alcohol thing figured out — be sure to leave us some helpful tips in the comments!
The second type is the one that I’m going to direct my answer to. This is the Jack Mormon who played the game for a long time — maybe through a mission, university study, temple marriage and now parenthood, but lately finds themselves having a crisis of faith or is renegotiating their relationship with their Mormon heritage (Perhaps a Cheap Seater?).
First of all, let me say that even if your faith is going through a shift, you don’t have to drink coffee or alcohol. Renunciation practices (giving stuff up) are a part of many religions and they can be a very fulfilling part of spiritual life. Even if your reasons for abstaining change, observing the Word of Wisdom may continue to bring meaning to your life. However, if you’re like me, continuing to observe the Word of Wisdom when you no longer have the same beliefs may become an empty practice, something you’re doing out of fear instead of faith. If this is the case, reader Tom is right, there is nothing inherently wrong with drinking the occasional cup of coffee or beer after a long day. Or at the beginning of one …
But since this is anything but a straightforward issue for a former believer, let’s discuss a few rules of thumb.
Avoid demonizing or romanticizing.
At one time in your life you may have believed that if even one drop of alcohol passed your lips you would become a raging alcoholic. You probably have some friends and family members who still believe this. (You may well be at risk for alcoholism. As I said above, everybody is different. If this is true for you, by all means, do not drink. But also remember that the vast majority of people are able to drink without developing a drinking problem.) When you start drinking, you will probably realize that you are one of the vast majority and you may start to develop some bitterness about your oppressive religion and misguided parents, leaders and maybe even your killjoy spouse. Try to avoid that thinking, as bitterness and idealizing may lead you to some foolish behavior. Drinking is not the worst or best thing ever. Like most of life’s pleasures, it is best taken in small doses and without guilt.
Honesty is the best policy.
I do not mean that you must confess your new love of flat whites or a gin and tonic to every member of the ward you know or that you should announce it to your 85-year-old grandmother who sends you Deseret Books and vinyl lettering every Christmas by pouring yourself a cold one at the next family dinner. Nor should you send everyone on your e-mail list links to articles about how Joseph drank in Liberty Jail and how alcohol and coffee were on the provision lists for the pioneers when they trekked out West.
But you should be honest with your spouse and your kids, the people who live with you who are affected the most by your choices. This is not easy. Your wife thought she married a non-drinker just like her and now you want to put a bottle of Chardonnay in the fridge? This is scary and difficult for marriages and the temptation to drink in secret, while away on business or out with friends, is intense. Try not to do this. She will find out at some point, or you will feel like you are leading a double life and it will wear on you. If you want your children to have healthy ideas about you and about drinking, let them see you doing it responsibly (after negotiating these issues with your spouse) and have the uncomfortable conversations about how everyone believes different things and how you still believe in being healthy, moderate and law-abiding. Respect your spouse’s feelings (remember how you used to believe drinking was the worst thing ever?) and go slow.
It’s OK to make mistakes, it’s how we learn.
What’s that? You’ve already sent those articles to all of your former mission companions and roommates at BYU and mission? Or you’ve come home after drinking way too much (2 glasses of wine is fine, 2.5 and you feel awful) and your husband found out that you secretly drink at book club and now he is worried that you are not the person he thought you were and if that’s true then maybe nothing is the same and your marriage is over? Perhaps your 15-year-old son found your secret micro-brewery in the basement and can’t even look at you. Don’t panic. Sometimes the only way to know that hyperlinks rarely change anyone’s mind is to send them and see that people only want to discuss those things when they are ready and willing. Sometimes the only way to gear yourself up for those painful conversations with a spouse is to see how betrayed and hurt they are when you act stupidly or tell a lie. Don’t get stuck in the mistake, learn from it, make amends and move on.
And, one last thing. The best time to buy alcohol or coffee is on a Sunday. If anyone from the ward is there to see you, they won’t be able to say anything because they are breaking the Sabbath.
Yours,
Jack
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Now that is damn good advice. Nice Jack.
Excellent advice. Although, romanticising can be fun.
On the question: ‘how much coffee is too much?’, I have an answer: the refillable Venti filter coffee from Starbucks. That shit will BREAK the average Jack. Rule of thumb: “just say no” to refills. Or “yes”, if you’re a romantic.)
I especially love the “one last thing.” This comforts me every time I’m out on a Sunday. :)
Good stuff. As far as practical advice in terms of coffee, start with a small cup no more than once a day, and try not to take on a completely empty stomach at first. The espresso drinks at your average coffee shop in the small sizes are OK too; espresso is strong stuff, but they are half steamed milk, which tones down the effect some. If you go for a two-coffee day, make sure there is enough time in between. Found this out the hard way when I had a morning coffee and completely forgot about a business meeting at a local coffee shop an hour later, at which they had a delicious cappuccino waiting for me. Was a VERY productive day until a late afternoon crash-and-burn. And for home brew, try a coffee press over drip, which tastes like…crap.
I don’t do alcohol, so no good advice there. Good luck.
As far as drinking alcohol, I try to follow the rule that “if your drinking causes you a problem, you have a drinking problem”. i.e. if you find yourself saying stupid things, posting stupid things, or waking up in the morning realizing you have crossed the line in any way, what you are drinking for you is a problem and you need to be more careful, regardless of the amount.
Personally I have the same advice for coffee. Coffee makes me much more energetic, talkative, and verbally expressive. I feel like I can sculpt sentences when I am caffeinated. The first time I went to a difficult work meeting after two cups of Starbucks tall coffee I had to send an apology to the person running the meeting. I was negative, sarcastic, full of myself, and witty to a fault, and in short was totally out of line. During morning meetings I always assess my caffeine level and bridle my tongue accordingly.
Your paragraph “Honesty is the Best Policy” contains beautiful wise words that every Mormon on his/her way out should read, especially the last bit “Respect your spouse’s feelings … and go slow.”
I couldn’t agree with this advice more. I’ve not yet been able to try alchohol, but as far as coffee goes, I was actually amazed at how mellow it is. This is probably because although I grew up in an active lds home, my parents LOVE Dr. Pepper and Coke. So I grew up drinking like 2-3 a day. I also drank a lot of energy drinks (especially on the mish… lol). Anyways, I found coffee to be much less stimulating that I expected (which I really think is a good thing since I don’t drink soda/energy drinks anymore). I, like Bob, do become more talkative on the coffee though (which is pretty bad, because I allready talk too much). I have to admit, the taste is a bit disappointing too, it like many drinks, smells much better than it tastes. I don’t like the sort of burnt taste. I find lattes and cappucino’s much better, but they of course cost much more. I’m still waiting on the spouse to give me the go-ahead on alchohol. I am concerned about this one much more too since I have alchoholics on both sides of the family (one of the best things the church ever did for my family really was to end this for several of them). When the time comes, I plan to ease into it. Any suggestions on a starter drink for alchohol? (I’m guessing Everclear isn’t on the list?)
Go for a nice mellow beer. What I hear most from those coming into the light from the darkness is they think alcohol tastes like hairspray. So, don’t go liquoring it up at the get go (only exception would be something really sweet/fruity like a hurricane, pina colada, etc., but those can make you sick with sweetness). I got my feet wet with Blue Moon. Now I have a real appreciation for beers across the spectrum, particularly the local UT brews. And, I enjoy a glass of red wine. I don’t really drink liquor because of the taste and the results. Best of luck!
Sorry that I can’t seem to spell alcohol.
Mostly people don’t drink alcohol to get drunk. Much like fat in foods, it enhances the flavor of the beverage. Especially with wine it aspirates up through the sinuses and nostrils and makes the beverage more of a 3D experience. So, pick what tastes good. What you’re doing is to expand your range of beverage choices. So, give a lager a try if you want to try beer. My personal favorites are Miller High Life and Corona. Ambers have a little more flavor IMHO. Most snobby beers these days are darker and more bitter, so although your friends might like them, you might not.
As far as wines, white wines tend to be dry (i.e. not sweet) and reds sort of heavy. You might try a chardonnay, which is a white but not as dry. I actually started out drinking rose, which is a mixture of red and white, which is also frowned on by the wine snobs because it’s a blend and not an actual wine from a specific grape. In general I say “screw the gourmets” and just drink what you like. I find a rose (pronounced “rose-ay”) to be not too heavy and not to dry.
Regarding alcohol people often pretend to like what they think they’re supposed to. i.e. bitter craft beers from microbreweries and intense reds and dry whites, but just pick what tastes good.
Bob,
Thanks for your answer. I understand that beers are more yeasty (sp?) which makes me think I’d like to avoid that since I hate the smell. Wines sort of seem like a natural starting place, but I don’t know why. Possibly because I’ve only been around two types of drinkers. The first type (my friends in high school) would just go out to a field or party and slam some Gold Schlagger or Everclear, pass out, throw up and pass out, or just hold it down and look awful. Yeah, it was fun to be there, but it certainly wasn’t tempting for me to drink then. The second type have come to my attention more recently as I’ve attended after-conference parties where wine and cheese are favorites. People seem to just loosen up, speak slightly louder (as opposed to the very loud people in the first type), and become generally gregarious. I like your comment about how people drink what they think they’re supposed to like. This seems to me to happen more with alcohol than with any other food/beverage. I’ve noticed that people seem to define themselves by what alcohol they drink much more than say Pepsi vs. Coke decisions. This totally explains the Everclear crowd vs. the Wine crowd to me. Although the proof (is that the right terminology? does wine have a proof?) probably makes a huge difference, I’m sure each of these groups had drastically different intentions from the start. Thanks for your help!
Beer doesn’t taste yeasty at all. What most beginners taste is sour/bitter and maybe wheat-y at the end. The major difference for mormons is that the drinks that are prohibited are not sweet at all and tend towards the bitter side of flavors. It’s just a total different beverage sensation to what they are used to.
My advice would be prepare your mouth by drinking just water for a coupe of days – no milk or juice or soda. Be prepared to not like what you try. It’s like vegetables and kids – you got to get used to it before you can appreciate it.
Wines – try a dessert wine first. They tend to be sweeter. Or try a cheap box wine. They tend to be “juicier” and more approachable for beginners.
Beer – Try a hefeweizen for more wheat flavor or any popular lager for basic beer taste that’s mild.
Liquor – If you want your first shot try a spiced rum. That’s going to taste like vanilla + spices. But you’re still going to hate it because it’ll burn like the hell. You gotta be on the road to alcoholism to really enjoy drinking liquor straight. Otherwise, for a mixed drink try anything tropical sounding at a bar or restaurant. They mask the alcohol pretty well. (Margarita, daiquiri, mai tai… )
Started drinking coffee about 3 years ago when I became a graveyard nurse at age 50 and Rockstar just made me too jittery, while coffee just kept me alert…..the joke on the floor was that you could tell a Mormon by the temperature of their caffeine….when I heard that, it just became ridiculous to me to choose one over the other, so I chose the caffeine that works for me…also helps my ADHD, by the way. Thanks for your website; I don’t feel so alone. I will probably never go for alcohol, as my family history has a huge alcoholism streak in it, and when I was in high school, I drank to get drunk…
As a nurse, I am totally in support of medical marajuana. One good brownie goes a long way in pain management, from what I’m told.